Archive for November, 2009

Meleagrisphobia

Posted in Humor with tags , on November 25, 2009 by Wiggy

As is the case with each of my past three residences, I inevitably attract a plethora of wild-life to my back yard through the placement of various avian feeding devices.  Occasionally this can cause some concern amongst some of our not-so-fauna-friendly neighbors.  Related to one such incident in my current home, not so long after moving in, I received a strange phone call one evening from one of my neighbors.  The conversation went something like this:

Approximately 6:00 pm: Ring…ring….ring…

Me: “Who the hell is this calling now?”

[Pick up the phone….]

Me: “Hello”

Caller: “Hello, is Marc there?”

Me: “Can I ask who’s calling?”

Caller: “Oh, ah, this is Jane Doe.” [real name withheld to protect the psychotic]

Me: “And you’re with….?”

Caller: “Is this Marc?  This is Jane Doe your neighbor.”

Me: [have met her once and have no idea what her last name is] “Oh, sorry Jane, the only people who ever call the house line are selling something.”

Jane: “Marc, I just wanted to call you to discuss something which is bothering me” [here we go]….”You feed the animals doesn’t you?”

Me: [silence]

Jane: “We’ve had a lot of deer and wild turkeys coming through our yard and we’ve never had that before.”

Me: “and…?”

Jane: “I don’t feel comfortable sitting outside on my patio…” [I stop listening at this point…something about lyme disease and deer ticks…]

Jane: “Do you feed the animals on the ground?”

Me: “No.” [a total lie]  “I just have the bird feeders out for the birds.”

Jane: “Well we’ve never had all the animals around in the yard before.”

Me: [me thinking…yeah you stupid bitch…they just appeared when we moved in….just call me Noah]  “Jane, I’m sorry you feel that way, but the deer and turkeys I’m sure were already here.  There’s a big field right next door.  And with all the new housing going in, it stirs them up and they move around between the neighborhoods.”

Jane: “Well it makes me uncomfortable sitting outside.”

Me: [thinking I should mention something about the bear spotted a few miles away in Center Valley, the bobcat and coyotes spotted near Wassergass Road, West Nile Virus and Avian Flue].  “What would you like me to do?  I’m not going to stop feeding the birds, so I don’t know what else to say.”  [you crazy bitch…go back to the city]

Jane: “Well, blah, blah, blah…” [me flipping her the bird out the kitchen window]

Call ended…extreme laughter ensues…

What the hell was that about???!!  Is this woman actually afraid of Bambi and her mom and something you eat for Thanksgiving?  What are they going to do?  The deer may snort at her and stamp their hooves, right before they run away.  We haven’t even seen the bucks in several months, with their razor-sharp pointy antlers.

And the turkeys….are you kidding me?  I have four females…you should see their fangs…and ten baby turkeys.  The funny thing is, the deer are afraid of the turkeys.  Wait until the 40-plus pound males show up in the fall strutting around in full feather.  She’ll never leave the house.

What she forgot to mention were the potentially disease infested skunks, squirrels, chipmunks, raccoons, foxes, bats, snakes and ground hogs all of whom visit my yard on a semi-regular basis.  And what about the cats….My God, the cats!!!

I was hoping all of my neighbors would be cool.  I guess there had to be at least one wacko.  She had better not start anything.  She doesn’t know who she’s messing with.  I got rid of the pesky French neighbor and his wacky wife within six months of moving to Raleigh.  She’d be easy.  I already know her weakness…

Zoophobia!…fear of animals.  In her case it may be a combination of the following:

  • Meleagrisphobia: fear of turkeys
  • Odocoileusphobia: fear of white tailed deer
  • Leporidaephobia: fear of rabbits
  • Sciuridaephobia: fear of squirrels…not to be confused with Aero-Sciuridaephobia: fear of flying squirrels

I foresee pans of cracked-corn lined up on the property line behind her house.  The critters will never leave.

Marc “Wiggy” Kovacs

Scourge of Zoophoic Neighbors
https://i2.wp.com/www.netstate.com/states/symb/gamebirds/images/wild_turkey.jpg

People Eating Tasty Animals

Posted in Humor with tags , on November 22, 2009 by Wiggy

First there was “F is for Freegans.”  Then came “V is for Vegans.”  Now thanks to my favorite animal rights group, PETA, I can add another letter to the list of understandably perplexing vegetarian dining choices.  This time it’s the letter “M” for Meagans.

The misunderstood free-range radicals from PETA have offered a $1 million prize to any scientist who can create lab-grown meat which is both commercially appealing and indistinguishable in taste from real meat.  They’d like some Dr. Frankenstein wanna-be to sprout chicken-meat in a growth medium to help eliminate the need for the birds to be caged and treated poorly on poultry farms.

A spokesperson from PETA has stated the money would go to the first scientist who could create and market such a meat by the summer of 2012.  The group said the winning scientist had to be able to produce the meat in large enough quantity, so it could be sold in 10 states at a price competitive to the prevailing chicken price.

Additionally the meat has to have the “taste and texture indistinguishable from real chicken flesh to non-meat-eaters and meat-eaters alike.”  Does chicken taste different to vegans…and how would they know the difference?  A taste-test panel would determine if the lab-produced meat satisfied the criteria.  If PETA is serious about truly critiquing the resultant fabricated-fowl, this panel should be plucked from a list of experts in related fields.  These should include the following:

  • Rachael Ray – annoying TV cook…chef is too strong of a word.
  • Martha “Stewart” Kostyra – vegetarian, polish business magnate, former model, stockbroker and former resident of Alderson Federal prison camp, from Nutley, New Jersey.
  • Ricky Williams – vegetarian, former and current member of the Miami Dolphins and smoking partner of Lenny Kravitz.
  • Ingrid Newkirk – vegetarian, George Clooney fan and founder of PETA.
  • Jim Bohlen – vegetarian, former American, Atlas ICBM engineer and converted Canadian…co-founder of Greenpeace.
  • Chelsea Clinton – vegetarian, Arkansas born, blue-eyed graduate of Stanford University, named after the Joni Mitchell song “Chelsea Morning” about a west side Manhattan neighborhood formerly and ironically known as the meat packing district.
  • Pamela Anderson – vegetarian and former Canadian star of Bay Watch…this wouldn’t be the first strange thing she’s put into her mouth.

PETA states researchers have already begun to produce in-vitro meat…that’s meat created from animal stem-cells placed in a medium to grow and reproduce.  Now that sounds like something I’d want to marinade with lemon, pepper, tarragon and dill and throw on the Bar-B, right next to the kangamoo filets and whale steaks.  Fortunately for those of us who find Petri-Poultry less than mouth-watering, PETA states on its Web site: “We’re still several years away from having in-vitro meat be available to the general public.”

In PETA’s defense of this fallacious-fowl-fare, the group says it’s supporting the endeavor because more than 40 billion chickens, fish, pigs and cows are killed every year for food in the United States in “horrific ways.”  Its rumored petri-poultry may also serve as the long sought after cure for Alekorophobia or Fear of Chickens.  Ricky Williams, alleged proponent of a Meagan lifestyle, has been quoted as saying “I wouldn’t eat a chicken if it dropped dead in front of me holding up a sign that said, Eat Me*.”  I’m not sure if this stems from Alekorophobia or some sort of ganja-inspired Jamaican voodoo curse.  *(quote taken from the website http://www.famousveggie.com/quotes.cfm)

Vegetarian sushi chefs from around the world are hailing this Darwinistic triumph over nature.  Grown in a sterile environment, Petri-Poultry would be free of salmonella and other potentially health-threatening bacteria, opening the way for such delicacies as Spicy Chicken Rolls…raw Petri-Poultry, avocado, wasabi and artificial cream cheese, rolled in tofu rice and recycled free-range seaweed.

No word yet from the ACLU on the potential animal stem-cell rights violations or ethical dilemmas associated with the growing of meat in a Petri-dish.  And you thought eating out of a dumpster sounded appetizing…

 

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Petri-Poultry: The Other Other White Meat – Choice of Meagans and Alekorophics alike.

Marc “Wiggy” Kovacs

Mastermind of Meagan Menus

“V” is for Veat

Posted in Humor with tags , on November 20, 2009 by Wiggy

World Vegan Day is a holiday celebrated by Vegans to commemorate the anniversary of the founding of the Vegan Society in 1944.  It’s held every year in Melbourne, Australia, probably because the Australians are so laid back and no other country would allow that many hippies in one place at the same time.
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There are many different kinds of veggies.  Not all vegetarians are vegans, but all vegans are vegetarians.  This community of V-8 swilling, Volkswagen driving Bohemians includes:

Lacto-ovo-vegetarians – don’t eat meat, but do eat dairy products and eggs.

Lacto-vegetarians – eat dairy products, but not eggs.

Ovo-vegetarians – eat eggs, but not dairy.

Pesco-vegetarians – eat seafood, but not meat…similar to us Catholics on Fridays during Lent.

Vegans – don’t eat or use anything even remotely related to an animal or animal by-product.

Fruitarians – strict form of veganism where the hippie only eats fruits, plants and trees…granola is extra crunchy with oak tree bark included.

Raw veganism – radical form of veganism which excludes all food of animal origin and all food cooked above 115 degrees…E. Coli gives uncooked food that extra zing.

Freeganism – dumpster diving, communal living, spade wielding, smelly, Cum Baya singing Anarchists.

But what do all of these multifarious groups of non-carnivores have in common?…weird food.

Tofu is the chameleon of the food world and can mask itself as anything including meat.  Tofurkey (tofu turkey) is actually a loaf of vegetarian protein made from Veat (vegetarian meat) such as tofu or seitan.  Anything named Seitan just sounds evil and unappetizing.

Milk is not off limits to vegans or ovo-vegetarians.  Just pour yourself a big glass of almond milk, sesame seed milk, barley milk, pea milk, or every vegetarian hippie’s favorite…hemp milk.  Goes nicely paired with magic mushrooms which cause you to see UFOs and want to hang out with Shirley MacClaine.  Just make sure you don’t exceed the daily recommended allowance as specified by the Vegan Food Pyramid.

The Vegan Food Pyramid, while similar to the USDA, includes such items as Yuba which is tofu skin, hemp milk, tofutti which is tofu cheese and ice cream, nori an edible red algae and favorite of University of Alabama vegetarian alum, and finally vegan wine…yes, there is such a thing.

So today, instead of a big juicy steak, baked potato with sour cream and bacon bits and steamed…that’s somewhere above 212 degrees…broccoli with cheddar cheese, grab yourself a loaf of tofu.  You can pretty much make your entire meal out of it.

Marc “Wiggy” Kovacs

Tireless Tormentor of Tofu