People Eating Tasty Animals

First there was “F is for Freegans.”  Then came “V is for Vegans.”  Now thanks to my favorite animal rights group, PETA, I can add another letter to the list of understandably perplexing vegetarian dining choices.  This time it’s the letter “M” for Meagans.

The misunderstood free-range radicals from PETA have offered a $1 million prize to any scientist who can create lab-grown meat which is both commercially appealing and indistinguishable in taste from real meat.  They’d like some Dr. Frankenstein wanna-be to sprout chicken-meat in a growth medium to help eliminate the need for the birds to be caged and treated poorly on poultry farms.

A spokesperson from PETA has stated the money would go to the first scientist who could create and market such a meat by the summer of 2012.  The group said the winning scientist had to be able to produce the meat in large enough quantity, so it could be sold in 10 states at a price competitive to the prevailing chicken price.

Additionally the meat has to have the “taste and texture indistinguishable from real chicken flesh to non-meat-eaters and meat-eaters alike.”  Does chicken taste different to vegans…and how would they know the difference?  A taste-test panel would determine if the lab-produced meat satisfied the criteria.  If PETA is serious about truly critiquing the resultant fabricated-fowl, this panel should be plucked from a list of experts in related fields.  These should include the following:

• Rachael Ray – annoying TV cook…chef is too strong of a word.
• Martha “Stewart” Kostyra – vegetarian, polish business magnate, former model, stockbroker and former resident of Alderson Federal prison camp, from Nutley, New Jersey.
• Ricky Williams – vegetarian, former and current member of the Miami Dolphins and smoking partner of Lenny Kravitz.
• Ingrid Newkirk – vegetarian, George Clooney fan and founder of PETA.
• Jim Bohlen – vegetarian, former American, Atlas ICBM engineer and converted Canadian…co-founder of Greenpeace.
• Chelsea Clinton – vegetarian, Arkansas born, blue-eyed graduate of Stanford University, named after the Joni Mitchell song “Chelsea Morning” about a west side Manhattan neighborhood formerly and ironically known as the meat packing district.
• Pamela Anderson – vegetarian and former Canadian star of Bay Watch…this wouldn’t be the first strange thing she’s put into her mouth.

PETA states researchers have already begun to produce in-vitro meat…that’s meat created from animal stem-cells placed in a medium to grow and reproduce.  Now that sounds like something I’d want to marinade with lemon, pepper, tarragon and dill and throw on the Bar-B, right next to the kangamoo filets and whale steaks.  Fortunately for those of us who find Petri-Poultry less than mouth-watering, PETA states on its Web site: “We’re still several years away from having in-vitro meat be available to the general public.”

In PETA’s defense of this fallacious-fowl-fare, the group says it’s supporting the endeavor because more than 40 billion chickens, fish, pigs and cows are killed every year for food in the United States in “horrific ways.”  Its rumored petri-poultry may also serve as the long sought after cure for Alekorophobia or Fear of Chickens.  Ricky Williams, alleged proponent of a Meagan lifestyle, has been quoted as saying “I wouldn’t eat a chicken if it dropped dead in front of me holding up a sign that said, Eat Me*.”  I’m not sure if this stems from Alekorophobia or some sort of ganja-inspired Jamaican voodoo curse.  *(quote taken from the website http://www.famousveggie.com/quotes.cfm)

Vegetarian sushi chefs from around the world are hailing this Darwinistic triumph over nature.  Grown in a sterile environment, Petri-Poultry would be free of salmonella and other potentially health-threatening bacteria, opening the way for such delicacies as Spicy Chicken Rolls…raw Petri-Poultry, avocado, wasabi and artificial cream cheese, rolled in tofu rice and recycled free-range seaweed.

No word yet from the ACLU on the potential animal stem-cell rights violations or ethical dilemmas associated with the growing of meat in a Petri-dish.  And you thought eating out of a dumpster sounded appetizing…

 

Petri-Poultry: The Other Other White Meat – Choice of Meagans and Alekorophics alike.

Marc “Wiggy” Kovacs

Mastermind of Meagan Menus