Archive for January, 2010

Half-Baked Healthy Habits

Posted in Humor with tags , on January 30, 2010 by Wiggy

I’m sure all of you have heard about the fact cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. But is this really true? Your heart is only good for so many beats and that’s it…don’t waste them on exercise. Think about it. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer. That’s like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

There are all types of studies suggesting everyone should cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables. But what if you think about this factoring in the logistical efficiencies? What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables into your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

What about the concerns regarding trans-fat and fried foods? Aren’t fried foods bad for you? Most fried foods these days are cooked in vegetable oil. In fact, they’re permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Is chocolate bad for you? Are you crazy? Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It’s the best feel-good food around!

Should you reduce your alcohol intake? Not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, which means they take the water out of the fruity bits so you get even more of the goodness. It’s like drinking fruit concentrate. Beer is made out of grain. Cheers!

Worried about your BMI (body mass index)? How do you calculate your body/fat ratio? Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc. According to the National Institute of Health you’re good up to a BMI of 25 so don’t sweat it.

Speaking of sweat, are there some advantages of participating in a regular exercise program? One philosophy is “No pain, no gain.” Since when is pain a good thing? The philosophy should be “No pain…keep doing what you are doing.”

A what about all those fad ab workouts? Will sit-ups or an ab-buster workout help prevent you from getting a little soft around the middle? Think about it. When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach. And swimming, forget it. If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food, diets and exercise.

And remember: ‘Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways – Chardonnay in one hand – chocolate in the other – body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming “WOO HOO, What a Ride!”

AND…..

For those of you who watch what you eat, here’s the final word on nutrition and health. It’s a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

CONCLUSION

Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

Marc “Wiggy” Kovacs
Narrator of Nutritional Neurosis

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Fifteen First Dates

Posted in Humor with tags , on January 26, 2010 by Wiggy

With the advent of the personal computer and increased pace of modern life, many people find it very difficult to find “that special someone.” And not necessarily because they are ugly, psychotic or a total loser. Many times it’s because they just don’t have the time or exposure to the dating pool to seek out Mr. / Ms. Right. And dating someone you work with is NEVER a good idea if you want to keep your personal life “personal.”

“OMG, Amber! Guess who I went out with last night. I so have to tell you about what a freak he is.”

But how do you meet a lot of people in a short period of time and know enough about each to be able to determine if he/she is the “one?” Take a bunch of shy, not-so-good-looking, socially inept people, put them in a big room and make them talk to each other one-on-one for five minutes in a giant game of musical chairs; but without music and with one too many seats.

With its origins credited to Rabbi Yaacov Deyo of Aish HaTorah and originally as a way to help Jewish singles meet and marry, speed dating is a formalized matchmaking process whose purpose is to encourage people to meet a large number of new people in a short period of time.

Described as “the hot new alternative on the dating scene,” compared to barhopping and online dating, speed dating is not just for Jewish singles, librarians or computer geeks anymore. In the present world of immediate gratification and shows such as the Jersey Shore, speed dating is the “instant dating solution” for today’s hip singles. Unlike normal dating which could take years to weed out potential ex-spouses, you’ve got five to ten minutes to meet and create “chemistry.”

Because of the limited time, the way you dress and the questions you ask are really important. One thing attendees don’t have is the luxury of time. If they are shy or tongue-tied, they might as well go back to eHarmony. No one wants to date someone who is inarticulate, boring or nervous. So dating “experts” advise that short of having a paper full of interrogation questions, you must be ready with a list of interesting, impressive and enjoyable inquiries which will keep the conversation alive for those five to ten minutes.

For those of you lacking the “married” status moniker on Facebook, have no fear. As a member of the Wiggy’s Words of Wisdom family I am here to obfuscate with some of the most productive and efficient questions for your next speed dating session. The following should almost certainly be on your list of speed dating questions. If these don’t weed them out and save you valuable dating time, I don’t know what will.

1) Are you married? Used at the proper moment, this question determines the value and frequency of gifts to be showered upon you…as well as the potential value of blackmail if things don’t work out.

2) How many times? Goes to the heart of whether this person over time evolves into someone totally un-dateable.

3) Why are you here? Valid question to determine how smart (or how stupid) your potential mate may be. A deer-in-the-headlights look is an acceptable response.

4) How much money do you make? / Do you think you can afford me? I do have big boobs you know. [substitute words for gender specificity] Coupled with Question #1, this can greatly improve your standard of living.

5) What do you think of the name Hector? [substitute an ex-boyfriend or girlfriend’s name] Everyone talks about past relationships. This determines the level of potential jealousy (i.e. total psycho versus is thinking about Ménage à trios)

6) Do you know when to keep your mouth shut? Important fact especially when watching sports or when making him watch your favorite episode of “Glee.”

7) Can you cook? If they can’t cook, what’s the point?

8) Do you think I’m hot? Goes to honesty and trust. You don’t want someone that can sit there with a straight face and answer “yes” and convince you they are sincere. If they can pull that off, they are so going to cheat on you.

9) Are you Italian? Related to the issue of family, this question will tell you whether or not you will spend your Sundays in a house full of loud crazy cousins, nosey aunts and drunk uncles.

10) Do you remember my name? If they get this one wrong, just walk away.

Utilize these questions and although you probably won’t end up with any matches, you’ll get a good laugh out of knowing you scared a few people.

And by the way, if you are desperate enough to have to resort to speed dating, keep this in mind. A 2006 study in Edinburgh, Scotland showed that 45% of the women participants in a speed-dating event and 22% of the men had come to a decision within the first 30 seconds. So if you are ugly, stay with Match.com and the college picture.

Marc “Wiggy” Kovacs
Dictatory of Didactic Dating Desperation

Calico Cabalistic Communication

Posted in Humor with tags , on January 22, 2010 by Wiggy

I bet most of you didn’t know January 22nd is designated as “Answer Your Cats Questions Day.” I know there are a lot of bizarre observances and traditions in the world rooted in pagan rituals, but what the hell is this one about? In the past I’ve had to share my residence with three feline fur-balls. It was bad enough when there were two, but a third one decided to adopt my home after I moved back to Pennsylvania from North Carolina. It seems the previous-previous owners…that would be two owners and four years prior…decided to conveniently forget to pack their cat when relocating. Chester figured he liked the neighborhood enough to brave four years outdoors before reclaiming his original residence from me upon my return to Pennsylvania.

In an attempt to take this ill-conceived tabby tradition seriously for one moment, let’s assume someone on this planet could actually understand cat-speak. A more sissified version of Cesar Millan, if that’s possible. What types of questions would these pesky pussies ask of their human caregivers?

Why’s it a problem I sharpen my nails on your $2,000 leather sectional? Would you prefer I use your new dining room area rug?

Why won’t you share your dinner with me? I brought you a not-quite-dead bird this afternoon for your snack. If you let it go, that’s your problem.

What’s the deal with not letting me lick your face in the middle of the night? I have to clean my tongue too. That kitty liter doesn’t remove itself.

What do you mean you don’t want me sleeping on the dark steps in the middle of the night? My night vision works just fine. Yours is the problem here.

Why are you pissed off? I’m the one who had to shit on your new carpet because you didn’t clean out my litter box.

Why don’t you understand me? I meow because I’m either hungry, want to go out or want to come in, that’s it. I only eat, sleep and relieve myself or I’m in transit to do one of the aforementioned. Occasionally I’ll play with one of the toys you paid too much for at the pet store. But only if it’s soaked in catnip, makes noise and if you’re trying to sleep. I’m really not that complicated.

Don’t get me wrong. Cats aren’t as lazy and stupid as they would like you to think. Descended from African desert wildcats, they’ve been living outdoors in the elements and hunting to feed themselves for thousands of years. Now look at them. They sleep all day in the comfort of a home supplied by their human guardian. They’re nourished regularly, usually several times a day, with a variety of feline delicacies such as filet of tuna in a savory sauce. When is the last time you saw a housecat snag a fish for dinner? Someone else pays for their healthcare. And they have someone clean up their excrement. A pretty ingenious and sweet deal if you ask me.

Due to the necessity to survive, and honed for thousands of years, cats’ hunting skills are considered exceptional. Unfortunately, their ability to track and kill more than a thousand species has contributed to or caused various extinctions including that of the Stephens Island Wren. Where was PETA during that calamity? If only someone could get them to start preying on those so-called migratory-rats-with-wings referred to as “Canadian” geese. If Chester brings me home one of those feathered-rodents-of-questionable-migratory-status, I’ll cook it for him and serve it to him on a silver platter.

Now I can understand the companionship aspect of owning a cat. They have their moments, bonding with their owners and snuggling up next to them in bed or on a sofa. It can be downright therapeutic to some people. What I can’t even begin to fathom are the cat fanciers who go to extreme lengths to pamper their cat, treating them as if they were children. Handmade down cat pillows, jewel-engraved collars, gourmet cat food served in sterling silver bowls. Give me a break. We’re talking about an animal that cleans its ass with its tongue. It’s disgusting if a dog does it, why is it okay for a cat?

And when is the last time you heard about a crazy dog lady, or crazy bird lady? Why is it when the SPCA is called into a home because of some neighbor’s complaint about offensive smells, the home is occupied by an insanely numerous clowder of cats and an unattractive, not-so-mentally-stable, single woman? I’ve never heard anyone refer to “that crazy cat guy.”

So the next time your cat gives you a quizzical look and meows, do yourself a favor, refill his food dish and open the door. It really is that simple.

Marc “Wiggy” Kovacs
Florilegium Of Feline Facts

Eternal Electronic Epitaphs

Posted in Humor with tags on January 15, 2010 by Wiggy

Are you worried about your spirituality and have you ever thought about your life in the hereafter? Are you concerned you haven’t been such a good person and may be reincarnated as one of Britney Spears’ canine fashion accessories as punishment for bad karma? But what about what you may leave behind for all eternity…on your Facebook page?

In October of 2009 Facebook announced the company’s policy of “memorializing” profiles of users who have died. The accounts are taken out of public search results, sealed from any future log-in attempts and the walls left open for family and friends to pay their respects. This puts a whole new spin on what type of legacy you leave behind. Posts such as “should really not have drank that 18 pack last night. TG for Bojangle’s sweet tea.” could be your eternal electronic epitaph. That picture of you tagged on your wall by a friend…you passed out on the floor, body outlined with baked cheetos like a homicide crime scene…your tombstone. Is that how you want your friends and family to remember you? Your last wall post being “is sniffing glue, going to the zoo, gonna free all the kangaroos. Suck it Dr. Seuss!” Or by posting “e(0)(0)e black with flowers…is going to keep eating her famous shortbread cookies until they are finished.”

Facebook decided to publicize the policy recently because of a backlash caused by a new version of the site’s homepage that was rolled out, which includes automatically generated “suggestions” of people to “reconnect” with. Within days of the launch, users complained that some of these suggestions were for friends who had died. Nice going Facebook.

“We understand how difficult it can be for people to be reminded of those who are no longer with them, which is why it’s important when someone passes away that their friends or family contact Facebook to request that a profile be memorialized,” stated a Facebook spokesperson. I know that would be the first thing I would think of when making funeral plans for a family member. “is deleting Karen’s Facebook page so no one see’s her pictures from the bachelorette party. OMG, what was she thinking?!”

To discourage pranksters, Facebook does require proof before sending a profile to the pearly gates. Family or friends must fill out a form, providing a link to an obituary or other information confirming a user’s death, before the profile is officially memorialized. Once that’s completed, the user will cease showing up in Facebook’s suggestions. And status updates won’t show up in Facebook’s news feed. “is currently arguing with Saint Peter about that thing he says I did in college. Did so not do that…I think.” If relatives prefer not to have the profile remain as an online memorial, Facebook says it will delete the account entirely. “is being deleted due to an untimely death.” Facebook’s hopes their attempt to clearly state its policy will finally put the privacy issue to rest.

So if you don’t want to look like a moron for all eternity, don’t let “is going to a speed dating session tonight. How bad can it be?” be the last thing your friends see…

Marc “Wiggy” Kovacs
“wonders how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.”

Fat-Fighting Fresco Fare

Posted in Humor with tags , on January 12, 2010 by Wiggy

Want to shed those holiday pounds in a hurry? Are you looking for those washboard abs to show off by swimsuit season? Are you too smart or too cheap spend the $6,000 a year to try Jenny Craig? You may want to consider making a run to the border. I’m not talking Canada or Mexico, well kind of not talking about Mexico… I’m referring to that fast-food savior of the drunk 2:00 am in the morning college student, synonymous with a talking Chihuahua, Taco Bell.

Apparently too cheap to hire an advertising agency who could come up with original ideas, Taco Bell has decided to launch its own Subway Jared-like ad campaign. They have enlisted the help of 27-year old Pensacola, Florida resident, Christine Dougherty to help mislead television-watching, overweight, taco-craving Americans into thinking they have found their miracle diet. According to the company, Dougherty ate from Taco Bell’s lower-calorie “Fresco menu” five to eight times a week and dropped 54 pounds.

In the commercial, Dougherty shows off her svelte body in a form-fitting dress and later a purple bikini while showing photos of her once-chalupa-sized self. “I lost about two pounds a month over a period of two years by reducing my daily calories and replacing my typical fast-food lunch or dinner with something from the Taco Bell Drive-Thru Diet,” Dougherty says in the commercial. “I just chose smarter options.” Somehow I’m pretty sure these options did not include cheesy gorditas or half-pound burritos.

Is it just me or does losing two pounds a month over two years sound a little slow, especially if maybe you don’t eat fast-food at all and throw in some exercise once in a while? Dougherty started in 2007 and claims she cut 500 calories from her diet and limited herself to 1,250 a day. She replaced her regular Taco Bell meals with the chain’s Fresco items: seven tacos and burritos that range from 150 to 340 calories. The question begs to be asked, how many tacos did she eat in one sitting?

Taco Bell’s “Fresco” fare is not cooked any differently than the rest of their gorditas, chalupas, tacos or burritos. The same burritos and tacos on the regular menu are stripped of shredded cheese and sauce. The Fresco menu items instead contain a tomato, onion and cilantro salsa. This substitution shaves off 20 to 100 calories, according Taco Bell. I’m sure it also shaves off most of the taste. Those calories added up over a two-year period are the equivalent of about 100 thirty-minute walks…or about one walk a week over the same two years. Am I missing something?

Although the company calls this ground-breaking marketing effort the Drive-Thru Diet, among several flashing disclaimers is, “this is not a weight-loss program.” No kidding!! “The disclaimers at the bottom say this is part of a lower calorie effort. You should exercise,” said Tom Wagner, Taco Bell’s company spokesman for the Drive-Thru Diet. “We don’t in any way try to market this as a miracle solution to lose weight.”

If you eat fewer calories, it doesn’t matter whether you eat Taco Bell, Subway, grapefruits or sliders from White Castle. The idea is, you eat less calories. Daugherty lost weight because she didn’t eat a lot. Throw in some exercise and she probably would have lost the weight in six months!!

And if I were Taco Bell I’d fire the ad agency and I might rethink the name of their revolutionary weight-loss regiment, the Drive-Thru Diet. Isn’t one of the issues perpetuating weight problems is that overweight people tend to be more sedentary. At least park the car and walk in and buy your ½ pound burrito.

And just so you know, the Fresco items are high in sodium with one Fresco bean burrito packing half the 2300 mg/day recommended sodium allowance.

Marc “Wiggy” Kovacs
Challenger of Cheese-free Chalupas

Ridiculously Remorseless Resolutions

Posted in Humor with tags on January 8, 2010 by Wiggy

With everyone making New Year resolutions which usually last about as long as a Hollywood marriage, the following are things you should keep in mind when making promises to yourself. Promises which are based on guilt and which you have no intention of keeping. Just remember the following and you won’t feel as guilty when you look in the mirror in another month and really feel bad.

1. If you’re too open minded, your brains will fall out.

2. Don’t worry about what people think; they don’t do it very often.

3. Going to church doesn’t make you religious, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

5. If you must choose between the lesser of two evils, pick the one you’ve never tried before.

6. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.

7. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.

8. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

9. A conscience is what hurts when all of your other parts feel so good.

10. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.

11. No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.

12. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

13. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.

14. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.

15. Junk is something you’ve kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.

16. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

17. Experience enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.

18. Thou shall not weigh more than thy refrigerator.

19. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.

20. It ain’t the jeans that make your butt look fat.

Marc “Wiggy” Kovacs
Phantom of Philosophical Phrases