Archive for February, 2010

Sun-Dried Amphibian Secretions

Posted in Humor with tags , on February 22, 2010 by Wiggy

While “Prayers to the Ectoplasmistic Flying Tree Lizard of Stonehenge” spewed praise upon this magical and mysterious airborne reptile, we’ll now utilize his magick powers and sun-dried secretions to better our lives.

Visualize a barefooted vegetarian hippie in a long flowing dress probably with un-groomed blond hair and “Bill Clinton” blue eyes.

“Magickal Powders are hand-blended select herbs, spices and resins. While each blend contains native energies unique to its stated purpose, it’s for the user to fully empower these organic elements—through visualization and concentration—to achieve desired magickal goals. Simply scatter them when and where you need them. Sprinkle the powder in a circle around you, beginning and ending in the East and moving clockwise. Sit within this circle and absorb the powder’s energies. If you work with crystals and stones, add powders to your rituals by sprinkling the chosen powder around the crystal as it lies on your chosen place. Sprinkle powders around candles before lighting them to enhance their energies. Scatter a ritually appropriate powder over your altar or place of meditation. Sprinkle in specific shapes to use as focal points for visualization: protection powder in pentagrams; love powder in hearts; psychic powders in circles. The shape needn’t remain intact—it’s the process and focus which channel your positive goals and empower you and your chosen elements, in this case, Magickal Powders.”

Need some magickal powders to help enhance your day? Let’s see what’s available from an online apothecary shoppe shall we…

Magickal Powders
Astral Travel Powder – Sandalwood, Mugwort and Cinnamon: Sprinkle on the bed sheets and pillow before sleeping to encourage consciously directed astral travel. Powder can also be used to help reduce traffic when attending a major league baseball game in Houston.

Exorcism Powder – Basil, Frankincense, Rosemary, Yarrow and Rue: Sprinkle throughout the house or in any place needing a strong purification and protection. Also useful for cleanup and deodorizing of green projectile vomit from bed sheets, ceilings and carpet.
Happiness Powder – Lavender, Catnip and Marjoram: When you wish to lift your spirits, sprinkle this powder in a circle on the floor or ground and sit within it, drinking in the powder’s energies. Visualize them surrounding you and infusing you with joy. Powder is organically grown in the lush flower gardens of Afghanistan.

Health Powder – Eucalyptus, Myrrh, Thyme and Allspice: Sprinkle in the sickbed or in the recovery room to speed the body’s healing process. Or scatter on your altar or place of private meditation and burn blue candles. Powder can also be used as a tofu rub at your next vegan BBQ.

Love Powder – Yarrow, Lavender, Rose petals, Ginger: For use in attracting love. Be sure to sprinkle the bed sheets or bedroom. Powder works best when pictures of you and your mom at the Renaissance Faire in costume are placed into dresser drawers prior to your online blind date arriving.

Luck Powder – Deer’s Tongue, Allspice, Nutmeg and Calamus: Use to bring positive changes into your life. If you want to send some luck to your favorite NASCAR driver, deer’s tongue, also known as the redneck rabbit’s foot, will always do the trick.

Money Powder – Cedar, Patchouli, Galangal and Ginger: To attract money, sprinkle in your place of business, in your wallet or purse. Rub onto money before spending. Or, sprinkle in a dollar sign on your altar or place of meditation and burn green candles over the powder symbol. This powder works best at casinos or while buying lottery tickets.

Prosperity Powder – Sassafras, Cinnamon and Balsam: To attract wealth in all its forms. These forms include divorced buffalo ranchers from Montana and UFO sighting vegetarian Democratic Congressional Representatives from Ohio.

Protection Powder, recipe #1 – Dragon’s Blood, Sandalwood and Salt: Mix and sprinkle outside around your property to dispel and stave off negativity. Sprinkling any kind of blood around your property is pretty much going to stave off anyone, including those full of negativity, except for maybe the occasional curious law enforcement officer.

Protection Powder, recipe #2 – Mugwort, Frankincense, Dill, Juniper and Cumin: Sprinkle where you need protection, inside or out. For personal protection, sprinkle in a circle and stand within it until you’re charged with the herbs’ energies. Do this daily to lend protective energies to your self at all times. Powder also comes with a can of pepper spray and a 9 mm.

Psychic Powder – Yarrow, Rose petals, Lemongrass and Mugwort: Sprinkle before exercising your innate psychic awareness. Do not use while consuming alcohol or prior to plotting your last 3,000 lifetimes.

Spirituality Powder – Frankincense, Myrrh, Wood Aloe and Sandalwood: Sprinkle in chosen location prior to meditation or religious rituals to turn your awareness to higher things. Also, sprinkle in circles around blue candles for this purpose. Comes wrapped in gold foil and also serves as a great baby shower gift. Best when used during star-gazing.

Wishing Powder – Sage, Sandalwood and Tonka: In a lonely or private place, hold the powder in your right hand. Feel its energies and visualize your wish with perfect clarity. Summon the power within you and send it into the powder. When it is alive with energy, fling it as far from you as you can. As the powder touches the Earth, it releases its energy and guides your wish into manifestation. Works best if used prior to going shopping with your spouse’s credit card.

Order now and we’ll throw in not one, but two vials of Chameleon Color Extract…Great for hiding those pesky stains, as a seafood seasoning, or when used in conjunction with Wishing Powder, as a curse against annoying in-laws…A $99 value, now your’s for only three easy payments of $39.99, plus shipping and handling. Rush delivery available, so order NOW!

Marc “Wiggy” Kovacs
Apothecarily Anecdotal Author

Prayers to the Ectoplasmistic Flying Tree Lizard of Stonehenge

Posted in Humor with tags , , on February 19, 2010 by Wiggy

It seems like every time I expunge commentary on a topic based upon something totally ridiculous, three out of four times it happens to somehow involve cats, pagan magic, atheistic celebrations, left-handed people or some type of cross between Dungeons and Dragons and a Star Trek convention. Not to disappoint, this time I’ve hit the mother load.

In the past, I’ve frequently used the phrase “Who comes up with this stuff?” to describe the absurdity of some of humanity’s intellectually over-stimulated. I can finally answer that question.

Did you know February 20th is “Northern Hemisphere Hoodie-Hoo Day?” What moron would come up with a holiday like Hoodie-Hoo Day you ask? First let’s start with answering the burning question of “What the hell is Hoodie-Hoo Day?”

Every February 20th, on this winter day, people are supposed to go out at noon, wave their hands over their heads and chant “Hoodie-Hoo.” No, this isn’t some type of Pagan fertility ritual or prayer to some extinct mystical penta-appendaged creature. Apparently, it’s a way to chase away winter and bring in spring one month sooner. Since everyone in the northern hemisphere is sick and tired of dreary gray winter days by mid-February, it’s a way to relieve the symptoms of those afflicted with cabin fever. Although, I thought it was the job of that oversized rodent named Punxsutawney Phil, who comes out 18 days earlier on Ground Hog Day.

Hoodie-Hoo Day is brought to you courtesy of Thomas and Ruth Roy of Annville, Pa., along with other holidays like “Answer Your Cats’ Questions Day,” “Happy Mew Year for Cats Day” and “What if Cats & Dogs Had Opposable Thumbs Day.” Do you see a pattern here?

Similar but entirely different from yours truly, Thomas–actor, radio host and published author and his wife Ruth, owner of a herb garden and apothecary shop–have created and copy- written more than 70 “holidays.” Similar to me in that they’re also creatively insane. Different in that I, unlike Thomas and Ruth, am not left-handed, don’t like cats, am not associate-producer of the Pennsylvania Renaissance Faire, and don’t own a shop which deals in magickal powders, tinctures and elements. What type of magickal powders you ask? We’ll get to the answer to that question in a moment.

So if you happen to be reading this on February 20th, at noon, go out in front of your office building, home, restaurant or wherever you may be, put your hands over your head and pray to the Ectoplasmistic Flying Tree Lizard of Stonehenge…HOODIE-HOO, HOODIE HOO, HOODIE-HOO. It may not drive away winter, but it’s sure to drive everyone else away.

Marc “Wiggy” Kovacs
Harbinger of Heathenistic Holidays

Bubbafied Buggy Bigotry

Posted in Humor with tags on February 13, 2010 by Wiggy

In honor of the kick-off of the Nascar season with the Daytona 500 tomorrow…

The U.S. automotive industry has been under intense economic hardship over the years due to lapses in quality, rising manufacturing costs and increased overseas competition from Japanese and European suppliers. Everyone associated with the industry has been searching for an underlying cause to the troubles of Detroit. I’m here to expose the true explanation behind Motor City’s misery.

Have you ever noticed most residents of the land below the Mason-Dixon Line are devoted to one or another brand of American manufactured vehicle? Until recently, this has been apparent if you’ve ever taken a stroll through the parking lot of a NASCAR race or a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert. I can almost guarantee you’ll see nothing but Ford, Chevy, Dodge or GMC-produced vehicles lining the rows of these dust covered pre-event drive-in hoedowns. To American automobile manufacturers, it’s been a sacred market, previously untouched by Toyota Tundras, Nissan Titans and Honda Ridgelines. To the demise of Detroit and unanticipated by the likes of Lee Iacocca and William Ford is the fact although slow in their ways, even Southerners eventually can tell when “somethin’ ain’t quite right.” Proof of this southern rebellion against the ancestors of Henry Ford’s Model T is the entry and acceptance of Toyota into NASCAR racing. Only a few years ago this would have been considered as treasonous as little Peggy Sue dating a New York City Park Avenue attorney. What’s brought on this backlash against the American marvel of the industrial age, child of Henry Ford, the Dodge brothers and William Durant?

The next time you’re behind someone at the wheel of a vehicle donning a license plate bearing some type of southern fruit or critter, take notice of their driving habits. Have you noticed southerners don’t ever use their turn signals? Being originators of such driving legends as “Smokey and the Bandit” and “The Dukes of Hazard,” the explanation CAN’T be those from the lands of grits and collard greens are vehicularly-challenged.

The only rationale can be Detroit, in its conceit for its faithful devotees and as an act of sheer greed and buggy-bigotry, had decided to forego the installation of certain illuminated flashing safety features in vehicles shipped to where “the snow don’t fall” to save money. This is simply the pursuit of the almighty dollar and a bigger bottom line. What makes this so outrageous is this transportational-discrimination has been at the expense of the safety of Yankees driving to and from retirement communities in the “Sunshine state” via Interstate 95…straight through a gauntlet of blinker-less belles and bubbas. This is the same lust for profits which has resulted in the production and distribution to the state of Virginia of cars which only drive in the left lane and of vehicles which cause the brakes to engage at the sign of a yellow traffic light, sold in the state of North Carolina.

Sources from inside the Big Three state they hadn’t been worried about an economic backlash until recently. “It wasn’t until all the Yankees started showing up in places like Birmingham, Richmond and Charlotte, driving their Mitsubishis, Subarus and Volvos that they (southerners) even realized they were supposed to have turn signals. Richard Petty and Dale Earnhardt didn’t use them, so they didn’t know what they didn’t have.”

Unfortunately, the recent introduction of turn signals into vehicles bound for Dixie hasn’t lent itself to correcting the situation. “Jr. spends all Sunday afternoon making turns and you don’t see him using no dang blinker. Why should he tell that twinky Jeff Gordon where he’s goin’…?”

Marc “Wiggy” Kovacs
Vigilant Voyeur of Vehicular Victimization

Stanley and the Spicy Noodles

Posted in Humor with tags , on February 9, 2010 by Wiggy

In a cold winter’s eve, Stanley sat in his car, lonely, waiting for his true love. Being blond, she was always chasing herself and never quite on time. He was patient because she had the best spicy noodles he had ever tasted. Hot, spicy and never sticky, they were incredible as they went down. It was difficult waiting. It was always hard around her, but he felt something he’d never experienced with any other. His mouth watered at the thought.

Finally the call came. “Come up, but please be quiet,” she said in her sultry yet angelic voice.

He leapt from the car and bounded up the stairs, aching with anticipation. As he entered, he could smell the ginger wafting down the hallway. But there was something else. Something which escaped his raised senses. Was that cabbage? he thought, becoming ever more aroused.

She knew exactly what he craved and teased him like a Lindt hazelnut milk chocolate bar at a Jenny Craig support-group meeting. She was always on top of him, anticipating his every move. But Stanley knew her inside and out as well. He knew her weakness was cheeseburgers. She couldn’t resist the juicy, meaty goodness smothered with sautéed onions and melted, gooey cheese. Two could dance this tango of culinary delights.

She summoned him to follow her. He obeyed and as he turned the corner into the kitchen, the smell hit him. She knew exactly what got him off and had it waiting. Pure ecstasy was her Soba noodles drenched in Asian spices. The scent of the toasted sesame seeds pushed him over the edge.

Stanley let the fragrance wash over him; consume him. But his self-discipline would not let him submit to her will. Slowly from his overcoat, he freed what she could never resist…a Five Guys bacon cheeseburger. She clawed at his chest, reaching for his cheeseburger. She wanted it and wanted it now. He knew he had her, excited and drooling with anticipation. All she could picture was his cheeseburger in her, exploding with all its juicy, meaty, gooey goodness.

Suddenly from the stairway above, standing there were her two daughters, faces covered in magic marker. Instantly, like her dessert soufflé in the oven, Stanley could feel himself deflate; and the moment was gone. Cold would be her spicy noodles and his cheeseburger this evening.

A Flash in the Pan

Posted in Humor with tags , on February 5, 2010 by Wiggy

And now for something completely different. Yes I know, I ain’t quite right.

Standing in front of Sissy’s Corner Café, the heart of social life in Bismarck, Missouri, Ellsworth Bunce pondered his dramatic, but brief, rise to stardom. He was alone and far from his home of Milwaukee. His beloved Guernsey cow Ollie had abruptly taken flight and was living in the lap of luxury while headlining the Mount Horeb Dairy Festival back in Wisconsin. All he had left were the memories and a newspaper clipping from that udderly fateful day of February 18, 1930, a few months earlier. That day during the International Air Exposition in St. Louis, Ellsworth and Ollie became the first dairy farmer and cow to fly in an airplane.

“We’re going to be famous, Ollie,” exclaimed Ellsworth over the drone of the engine. “No more pasture grass for you, my bovine beauty.”
Little did he know Ollie had other plans. Just like the engines of the Ford Tri-Motor 5-AT cargo plane which carried her and the man who had fondled her teats for the last four years, her mind churned. Off to the plush rolling hills of the Wisconsin countryside.

Her faithful Ellsworth had no idea his Ollie was being courted by William Fields Grinder, dairy farm king of central Wisconsin. His promises of lacteal luxury were too much for a heifer with Ollie’s unbridled free spirit. She had no family and wanted to experience the flavorful fescues and succulent sorghums of the mid-west.

“Ollie my beauty, you should be the queen of the dairies,” Grinder exclaimed. “I will make you a star. With your milk and my cheese shops, we’ll be rich beyond our wildest dreams.”

As Ellsworth stood in front of Sissy’s, he again read the caption from the crumpled St. Louis newspaper article. The headline trumpeted “a historic event blazing a trail for the transportation of livestock by air.” But celebrity is fleeting, especially for someone without special talent. Ollie, now known by the stage name “Nellie Jay” was the one who produced the twenty-four quarts of milk during the flight from Bismarck to St. Louis, not Bunce. Though Ellsworth’s hands were calloused but gentle, the real talents of the duo lie in the soft, supple teats of his wanton Ollie.

Little did he know their paths would once again cross much sooner than he could have ever imagined. He tucked the article back in his overalls and stepped inside. “Afternoon Thelma. How about a burger and a coffee…”

Wanna-be Weather Woodchucks

Posted in Humor with tags , on February 1, 2010 by Wiggy

Living in northeastern Pennsylvania, I have a special place in my heart for a bizarre tradition which takes place every year on February 2nd …Ground Hog Day. In honor of this hallowed yet preposterous tradition, let’s review some Groundhog Day facts…even one is more than anyone should care about.

The groundhog, also known as the woodchuck, land beaver, or whistlepig, is a rodent of the family Sciuridae, belonging to the group of large ground squirrels known as marmots.

The earliest known American reference to Groundhog Day is found at the Historical Society of Berks County in Reading, Pennsylvania. The reference was made Feb. 4, 1841 in Morgantown, Berks County, Pennsylvania storekeeper James Morris’ diary:

“Last Tuesday, the 2nd, was Candlemas day, the day on which, according to the Germans, the Groundhog peeps out of his winter quarters and if he sees his shadow he pops back for another six weeks nap, but if the day be cloudy he remains out, as the weather is to be moderate.”

So it looks like the American version of this tradition started in central Pa., making Punxsutawney Phil the original American marmot meteorologist. Believe it or not, there are quite a few imitators out there.

Unbelievably this one is from Canada and has to do with drinking. Who would have thought…?

Wiarton Willie from Wiarton, Ontario – The story of Wiarton Willie dates back to 1956. A Wiarton resident named Mac McKenzie wanted to showcase his childhood home to his friends, so he sent out invitations for a “Groundhog Day” gathering. One of these invitations fell into the hands of a Toronto Star reporter. The reporter traveled to Wiarton looking for the Groundhog Day event. None of the townspeople knew about a festival, but one suggested he check at the Arlington Hotel, the local watering hole. There the reporter found McKenzie and his friends partying and was invited to join them. The next day, the reporter lamented to McKenzie that he needed some kind of story to take back to justify his expenses. So McKenzie grabbed his wife’s fur hat, which had a large button on the front, went out to the parking lot, dug a burrow in the snow and pronounced a prognostication, which no one quite remembers.

The picture of Mac and the hat ran in the February 3, 1956 edition of the Toronto Star. A year later, about 50 people arrived for the festival. Half were reporters from various media, including the CBC and Canadian Press. Seizing on the opportunity, McKenzie invented a festival which has been added to over the years.

Wiarton Willie himself is a more recent addition to the festivities. In the early years, prognostication was provided by the “mythical” trio of groundhogs Grundoon, Muldoon and Sand Dune. Willie appeared on the scene in the 1980s. Wiarton Willie’s predictive powers are attributed, by his followers, to his situation on the 45th parallel, exactly halfway between the Equator and the North Pole. He’s claimed locally to be accurate around 90 percent of the time, although scientific studies show groundhog predictions to have a success rate of more like 37 percent.

The original Wiarton Willie lived to the advanced age of 22, and was found dead only two days before Groundhog Day in 1999. The organizers were unable to find a replacement, and instead marked Groundhog Day by revealing “Willie” in a coffin. He had been dressed in a tuxedo, had coins over his eyes, and a carrot between his paws. A scandal ensued when it transpired that the real Willie had in fact decomposed, and the body in the coffin was that of an older, stuffed groundhog.

Only in Canada…so you would think…

Other not so famous wanna-be weather woodchucks include…

Staten Island Chuck found in New York City, New York
Malverne Mel and Malverne Melissa found in Malverne, New York
Brandon Bob of Brandon, Manitoba, Canada
Balzac Billy of Balzac, Alberta, Canada
Shubenacadie Sam of Shubenacadie, Nova Scotia
Gary the Groundhog of Kleinburg, Ontario, Canada
Spanish Joe of Spanish, Ontario, Canada
Sir Walter Wally of Raleigh, North Carolina
Pardon Me Pete of Tampa, Florida
Jimmy the Groundhog of Sun Prairie, Wisconsin
Octoraro Orphie of Quarryville, Pennsylvania
And last but not least…

General Beauregard Lee is a groundhog that resides at the Yellow River Game Ranch in Lilburn, Georgia just outside of Atlanta. He has received honorary doctorates from the University of Georgia–”DWP, Doctor of Weather Prognostication” and Georgia State University–”Doctor of Southern Groundology.” He’s been predicting early springs or late winters for 14 years and the Game Ranch claims a 94 percent accuracy rate. However, he did have one major miss: in 1993 he predicted an early spring, but Georgia was hit with a blizzard that crippled the Southeast for nearly a week and a half.

Marc “Wiggy” Kovacs
Guru of Gratuitous Groundhog Guidance