Archive for March, 2010

Lactose-Laced Peculiar Pork Products

Posted in Humor with tags , , on March 28, 2010 by Wiggy

The following is the first in the “Wiggy’s Favorite Places to Not Ever Live” series which highlights the social, economic and cultural benefits of various locales throughout the world and why you couldn’t pay me enough to ever live there. Visit maybe, permanent resident, no way!

This particular spotlight is on Rochester, New York. A city of 208,123 residents…1,098,201 if you count the outlying suburbs…Rochester is located on the Genesee River…yes, inspiration for a really bad beer popular in the 1970s…in Monroe County near Lake Ontario in upstate New York. Sandwiched between Buffalo and Syracuse, this jewel of almost-Canada was founded on November 8, 1803, by a couple of Revolutionary War soldiers. Because of its proximity and potential for water power, the city quickly grew from a population of three in 1803 to 15 by 1811. By the 1950s, the population had reached a high of 332,448, no doubt because the majority of residents figured if nuclear war broke out with the Russians, the Kremlin would never waste an ICBM on such a worthless piece of real estate. With the end of the Cold War and the start of a new millennium, the population has steadily declined to its current level of just more than 208,000.

Known as the Flour City, by 1838 Rochester was the largest flour producing city in the U.S. By the early 1900s, Rochester also became a center for the garment industry, particularly for men’s fashions. Coincidentally, New York’s oldest gay and lesbian monthly community newspaper, the Empty Closet is published here. It’s also home to several pioneering businesses including the Cunningham Automobile Company…oops…was home to. The city also was once the location for corporate headquarters for Western Union, Xerox, Champion Sportswear and French’s (as in mustard), key phrase being “was once.”

Proximity to major transportation infrastructure has played a major role in the development of the city and its flourishing industry. Located along the Erie Canal, maritime transport as well as air transportation is important to the vitality of this city. Greater Rochester International Airport, serviced by air carriers including Air Georgian, AirTran and JetBlue, connect the city with neighboring Canada. Recently a high-speed passenger ferry, “Spirit of Ontario I,” linked Rochester to Toronto. Unfortunately the cost to the city was upwards of $42.5 million annually and it was sold to a German company for $30 million. Not to be outdone by other burgeoning metropolises, Rochester’s light rail underground transit system called the “Rochester Subway” opened in 1928. I guess the creatively-challenged residents couldn’t come up with a more original name. At the time, Rochester was the smallest city in the world to have an underground rail system. The system now serves as shelter for the city’s homeless, as it was abandoned in 1957, again in part to the fact the tunnels didn’t need to serve as fallout-shelters as the city wasn’t on anyone’s target list. The city has recently proposed to fill in the tunnels with dirt leaving the less-fortunate to migrate to nearby Buffalo.

Climate also makes Rochester, home to the largest population of deaf people per capita in the U.S., an attractive place to raise a hearing-impaired family. With winter temperatures approaching -17 and an average snowfall of nearly eight feet annually, indoor ice skating and shopping at Rochester’s many shopping centers tend to be the popular past time from October through April. During the summer month, Rochester is home to several cultural festivals. These include the “Image Out/Gay & Lesbian Film Festival and the Clothesline Art Festival.”

With Rochester’s ethnic diversity comes a plethora of cultural culinary masterpieces. One local specialty is known as the “white hot.” Essentially a hot dog made from uncured and unsmoked pork, this local favorite is infused with powdered milk to enhance its white color. Home to French’s Mustard, it’s fitting a lactose-laced hot dog is Rochester’s gastronomic gift to the world. Another of the regional restaurant fare is called the “Garbage Plate.” Just take your choice of a cheeseburger, hamburger, steak, red hot, white hot, Italian or breakfast sausage, fish, fried ham, grilled cheese or eggs. To complete it just pile on top one of either, home fries, French fries, baked beans or macaroni salad, and smother with a greasy hot sauce containing ground meat. And to wash down these exotic epicurean delights, the “Made for Living” city hosts such premium beverages as Jolt Cola and Genesee Cream Ale. Also readily available in various box sizes is Rochester’s answer to Boones Farm Wine, Arbor Mist. When one fruit and two bottles aren’t enough…

Rochester is one of the few American cities which host at least seven professional sporting teams. These include the Rochester Raging Rhinos (soccer), Rochester Rattlers (field lacrosse) and Empire State Roar (Women’s professional football team). The city’s also home to the Next Era and NWA Upstate professional wrestling leagues.
Sister city to Bamako, Mali; Krakow, Poland; Novgorod, Russia; San Felipe de Puerto Plata, Dominican Republic; and Rehovot, Israel; Rochester’s famous sons and daughters include:

• Susan B. Anthony – suffragist and inspiration for ill-advised coinage
• Kenneth Bianchi – one of the Hillside Stranglers
• Angelo Buono, Jr. – cousin to and the other of the Hillside Stranglers
• Emma Goldman – anarchist
• Lou Gramm – lead singer of the rock band Foreigner
• Seth Green – pioneer in fish farming
• Norman Kerry – silent film actor
• Joanie Laurer – professional wrestler, a.k.a. Chyna
• Chuck Mangione – flugelhornist
• Frank Ritter – dental chair pioneer
• Savanna Samson – porn actress
• Lee-Hom Wang – pop/hip-hop superstar
• Wendy O. Williams – vegetarian and suicidally-deceased lead singer for the punk-rock band Plasmatics

Rochester’s proximity to Canada, abandoned subway system, sub-zero temperatures, not one but two professional wrestling leagues and its peculiar processed pork products make this city one of “Wiggy’s Favorite Places to Not Ever Live.”

Marc “Wiggy” Kovacs
Raconteur of Rochester Ranting

The Humanity

Posted in Humor, Poetry with tags , on March 19, 2010 by Wiggy

Poetry is something which I’ve been tempted into recently by a few of my writer friends from the website The Next Big Writer. It is something I never thought I would try but it is such a challenge I’ve grown to really enjoy it. What you are about to read is something I entered into an unofficial contest called the Hard Suck Bad Poetry Contest on The Next Big Writer. I think I hit a home run. Enjoy and try not to cry. LOL

Echoes echoing through soggy air
Sun glaring off of borrowed hair
The jiggle of arm fat
Wading through a sea of humanity

The mingling of body odor
On an overcrowded subway car
In July
Moonlight brightening the day

Toe jam dreams
Floating on the cesspool of life
Like geese on an algae-ridden pond
Odorificness abounds amongst the trees
Surrounding a mountain of rotting diapers
Forever

Never to be seen again
Never ever again
Until

The end

Contemptible Conversing Commuters

Posted in Humor with tags on March 8, 2010 by Wiggy

Now I’m the last person to condone government intervention or intrusion into my life in the form of laws restricting a person’s freedom to commit Darwinistically dangerous acts like smoking cigars or drinking ethanol-based beverages. Where I draw the line on the side of government supervision and control is when it affects a right or freedom which in the hands of those who are intellectually and or common-sensically-challenged, can directly influence the length of my stay on this Earth.

I understand in this technologically advanced culture of instant gratification, in the age of “not enough hours in the day,” everyone’s time is precious. Kids and extra-curricular socially-acceptable activities like soccer practice and girl scouts, 50+ hour work weeks, exercising to reduce your carbon footprint, chiropractor and therapist sessions…it’s all too much to fit into a 24-hour day. People are forced to utilize their “free” time in an ever increasingly efficient fashion. Most time-starved people are turning to the last bit of what used to be a haven between the kids and the career…the rush-hour commute.

What used to be a place where commuters could sip on their favorite caffeinated beverage while listening to the news, music or their annoying morning talk show host-of-choice, has evolved. It’s bad enough some rush-hour commuters are distracted while trying to shave, put on make-up or eat a microwave drive-thru breakfast wrap. These are the same people who have trouble walking and talking at the same time. Thanks to some of the technological advances of the 21st Century, these wanna-be multitaskers now can talk to their BFF and operate a 2,500 pound SUV traveling at 70 mph with one hand, totally oblivious to everything around them. Who the hell could you possibly be speaking to on your cell phone at 6:45 in the morning?

A 2003 University of Utah study compared the driving characteristics of subjects with a Blood Alcohol Content of 0.08 percent, the legal limit in the U.S., versus those of subjects involved in a cell phone conversation. The study concluded that while intoxicated drivers exhibited more aggressive driving styles, cell phone drivers exhibited greater impairment. While I whole-heartedly agree with the conclusions of the study…I have first hand experience during my harrowing daily commute alongside hundreds of potentially impaired conversationalists on Interstate 78…I do question the validity of the study. Where did they get drunken people in Utah?

In the U.K., accidents involving a driver being distracted by talking on a mobile phone have begun to be prosecuted as negligence similar to a DUI. Currently in the U.S. only a handful of states have implemented some type of limitation on driving while speaking on a cell phone, while countries like India, Turkmenistan, Croatia, Kenya, Poland, Romania, Slovakia, Slovenia, South Africa, Zimbabwe and even the Netherlands have bans. I’m not sure if some of these countries even have cell phones.

I’m not advocating for more government “Big Brother” like control. We have enough of that already. All I’d like to see is a little more common-sense when it comes to multitasking. If you’re going to talk and drive, at least spend the money on a hands-free device. That way when the highway patrol is picking you out of the guardrail, they won’t have to extract the cell phone from the side of your face. Thank goodness no one is stupid enough to try to text message or stare at a GPS device while driving…

Marc “Wiggy” Kovacs
Mindful Multitasking Motorist

Immigration Reform

Posted in Humor with tags on March 2, 2010 by Wiggy

Thank you Canada for hosting some great Olympic games. You people know how to throw one hell of an international party. On that note…

America was founded on the idea this great land is a place of opportunity. It’s a place where people can come to start a better life…a melting pot of different cultures, religions, traditions and ideas. From the first Pilgrims arriving on the shores of New England escaping religious oppression, to the Europeans during the early 1900’s in search of their fortunes and a better life for their families. All have been welcome to come to this country to add their own spice to the stew which is the United States.

But for years, an invasion has been quietly taking place. It’s a silent attack which threatens to undermine our national security. Crossing our unsecured borders and infiltrating our society. You see them constantly on our televisions, in the movies, in our schools, influencing our children every day, yet they go undetected. They come to this country by the thousands taking our jobs, draining our resources, and slowly injecting their cultural traditions into our everyday lives. I am talking about…Canadians.

Canadians have been sneaking into this country since its founding. Some of the first Canadian immigrants were the Acadians. These future flood victims passed up the rich fertile lands of the American mid-Atlantic to settle in the swamps of Louisiana. Like many early Canadian immigrants, they were not the brightest bulbs in the pack.

A not-so-famous pair of incandescently-challenged Canucks actually developed and patented the light bulb, on July 24, 1874, five years before Thomas Edison’s U.S. patent on the device. Matthew Evans and Howard Woodward actually patented it, but didn’t have enough money to develop their invention, so they sold their US patent #181,613 to Thomas Edison for $5,000. They also granted Edison an exclusive license to their equivalent Canadian patent. Not a real bright move. But miscalculations of such magnitude by the citizens of this monarchial tidbit of tundra would not continue. A conspiracy of monumental proportions was about to infect our cradle of democracy.

Through the 1800’s and into the early 1900’s they arrived, blending into American society and keeping a low profile, or so they would like you to think. These snow-Mexicans have been quietly influencing American culture, like celery in a pot of jalapeño laced chili. First it was Guy Lombardo clandestinely decaying the morals of American youth with his band of Royal Canadians. During the 1950s came Lorne Greene, star of the American western, Bonanza. An entire generation of American youth, who dreamed of being cowboys like Ben Cartwright, was duped into idolizing a cowboy who was about as American as Alexander Graham Bell’s telephone. And so they came…The Lone Ranger’s side kick, Tonto…Canadian. Co-creator of Superman, defender of Truth, Justice and the AMERICAN Way…Canadian!

The 1960s brought America’s obsession with space travel. A young actor by the name of William Shatner slipped across the border to mislead America into thinking the Captain of the USS Enterprise, ridder of Romulans, was a U.S. citizen. To this day the 77-year-old Canuc continues to seduce unsuspecting hotel clerks into under-pricing hotel rooms and further damaging an already shaky U.S. economy. Infiltrating every aspect of American society, Monty Hall and Alex Trebek were sent to dull the minds of America’s middle class, day-and-night, for decades.

The 1970s began a full-out assault on our borders under the guise of comedy. Led by Lorne Michaels, an army of Canadian comedians distracted America on Saturday evenings…a precursor to more and ever increasing debauchery and deception. Dan Aykroyd (half of the Blues Brothers – not American), John Candy (played a U.S. soldier in the movie Stripes), Jim Carrey (currently dating Jenny McCarthy), Tommy Chong (50 percent of Cheech & Chong – not American…actually that may be 100 percent come to think of it), Phil Hartman, Howie Mandel, Norm MacDonald, Rick Moranis, Mike Myers and Martin Short…where does it end?!

The last four decades have brought an erosion of American moral standing with the likes of Bryan Adams, Michael J. Fox, Celine Dion (who doesn’t hide the fact she’s Canadian, and actually flaunts she’s Quebecois), Neil Young, Donald Sutherland, Kiefer Sutherland, Shania Twain, Keanu Reeves, Jason Priestly and Matthew Perry. Canadians have so completely infiltrated America, believe it or not, Pamela Anderson is not only NOT from California, she’s CANADIAN!!!! The scourge of the Las Vegas stage show, Cirque du Soleil, not French…that would be bad enough…French Canadian! Canadian geese…you don’t see them leaving. They just multiply and slowly take over small bits of U.S. territory, one golf course at a time.

Proof of the contempt these icy-invaders have towards the United States comes in the form of pagan-like holiday celebrations such as Boxing Day (they give Christmas gifts the day AFTER Christmas), Labour Day (spelled with a ‘u’) and Thanksgiving (celebrated on the 2nd Monday in October)…INSANITY!

Though some of them may be looking for a better life away from all the ice sports, what contributions have these subterfugers-of-snow bestowed upon American society? Trekkies? Game shows? Reality shows like “Ice Road Truckers?” Have you ever seen or heard of a Canadian restaurant? Even the British can at least claim the sandwich.

Canadians have even managed to bring mediocrity to American sports and straight into our nation’s capital. Remember the Montreal Expos professional baseball team?…the Washington Nationals! Dr. James Naismith brought America basketball, but at what cost? Just watch five minutes of a NBA game and you’ll see. You don’t see any NBA teams in Canada do you? The Toronto Raptors you say…my point exactly.

Why are they here and what are they really after? We may never know. But then, that may be the real conspiracy!???????

Marc “Wiggy” Kovacs
Communicator of Canadian Conspiracies
Ps: They are pretty good at hockey though. Congrats again Romi.