Did Noah’s Ark Cause Global Warming?

And now, a swipe at one of my favorite activist groups…there are so many to choose from…Greenpeace. These publicity-seeking suicidal maniacs, during the summer of 2007, built a replica Noah’s Ark on Mount Ararat in Turkey. For those of you who don’t know the significance of this place, it’s believed to be the actual resting spot of the real life, built by Noah, animal-carrying, flood-avoiding Ark. It sits on this mountain in Turkey at approximately 15,500 feet in elevation, 10 and 20 miles respectively from the Iranian and Armenian borders. A real hospitable place to be sure.

Greenpeace decided it was a good idea to build a replica Ark on this mountain to bring attention to the impending global warming crisis. Now let’s sit back and think about this for a second. The summit of Mount Ararat is 16,584 feet above sea level, but getting lower because of the melting of the polar ice caps due to said terrestrial temperature ascent. It’s also a dormant volcano. In order to “build” a replica Ark, they needed wood, which I remind everyone comes from trees which help reduce carbon dioxide in the atmosphere. This wood was probably trucked in by not-so-fuel-efficient, carbon monoxide spewing, diesel trucks. This doesn’t sound very “green” to me.

Since Noah built the original Ark with only a few helpers, his sons, we’ll give Greenpeace the benefit of the doubt and not penalize them for the logistics of an army of workers to transport materials and personnel, and feed and house said personnel who constructed this biblical species sparer. Now, where did they get the plans? Since, I’m told, most Greenpeace activists are communists and since they’re going to be living and working in a highly Muslim populated area, I doubt any of them thought to bring a Bible. So who knows what this thing looks like?

This wouldn’t be the first time Greenpeace activists have harmed rather than protected Mother Earth, or done something not-so-well thought out. For example, they have tried and actually succeeded, on occasion, in breaking into fossil-fuel-fired power plants, and then they’ve complained when attacked by plant security. Did I miss something here?

A few over-zealous cod-loving members once jumped into the North Sea, with water temps of 50 degrees, in front of a few Scottish fishing trawlers. They’re lucky the stunt took place while the ships were heading out to sea and not during their return trip…once a few bottles of Scotland’s finest had been consumed by the fishing crews. And their flagship Rainbow Warrior Too…we’ll get to what happened to the original Rainbow Warrior momentarily…actually damaged a nice big piece of the Tubbataha Reef Marine Park in the Philippines.

To prove what kind of ill-conceived planning takes place within the ranks of Greenpeace, their first flag ship, Rainbow Warrior, was blown up and sunk by, of all people, the French, so the ship wouldn’t try to enter the waters off the coast of New Zealand, just prior to a nuclear test. If the French were thinking, they would have just let these radioactive radicals blow themselves up, courtesy of a few pounds of self-exciting plutonium atoms.

I’ll leave you all with one final question: Did Greenpeace plan on having animals on-board this mountainside mariner, because if they did, I’m sure PETA would like to talk to them.

Marc “Wiggy” Kovacs
Apocalyptic Ark Anecdotician

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