Lactose-Laced Peculiar Pork Products

Posted in Humor with tags , , on March 28, 2010 by Wiggy

The following is the first in the “Wiggy’s Favorite Places to Not Ever Live” series which highlights the social, economic and cultural benefits of various locales throughout the world and why you couldn’t pay me enough to ever live there. Visit maybe, permanent resident, no way!

This particular spotlight is on Rochester, New York. A city of 208,123 residents…1,098,201 if you count the outlying suburbs…Rochester is located on the Genesee River…yes, inspiration for a really bad beer popular in the 1970s…in Monroe County near Lake Ontario in upstate New York. Sandwiched between Buffalo and Syracuse, this jewel of almost-Canada was founded on November 8, 1803, by a couple of Revolutionary War soldiers. Because of its proximity and potential for water power, the city quickly grew from a population of three in 1803 to 15 by 1811. By the 1950s, the population had reached a high of 332,448, no doubt because the majority of residents figured if nuclear war broke out with the Russians, the Kremlin would never waste an ICBM on such a worthless piece of real estate. With the end of the Cold War and the start of a new millennium, the population has steadily declined to its current level of just more than 208,000.

Known as the Flour City, by 1838 Rochester was the largest flour producing city in the U.S. By the early 1900s, Rochester also became a center for the garment industry, particularly for men’s fashions. Coincidentally, New York’s oldest gay and lesbian monthly community newspaper, the Empty Closet is published here. It’s also home to several pioneering businesses including the Cunningham Automobile Company…oops…was home to. The city also was once the location for corporate headquarters for Western Union, Xerox, Champion Sportswear and French’s (as in mustard), key phrase being “was once.”

Proximity to major transportation infrastructure has played a major role in the development of the city and its flourishing industry. Located along the Erie Canal, maritime transport as well as air transportation is important to the vitality of this city. Greater Rochester International Airport, serviced by air carriers including Air Georgian, AirTran and JetBlue, connect the city with neighboring Canada. Recently a high-speed passenger ferry, “Spirit of Ontario I,” linked Rochester to Toronto. Unfortunately the cost to the city was upwards of $42.5 million annually and it was sold to a German company for $30 million. Not to be outdone by other burgeoning metropolises, Rochester’s light rail underground transit system called the “Rochester Subway” opened in 1928. I guess the creatively-challenged residents couldn’t come up with a more original name. At the time, Rochester was the smallest city in the world to have an underground rail system. The system now serves as shelter for the city’s homeless, as it was abandoned in 1957, again in part to the fact the tunnels didn’t need to serve as fallout-shelters as the city wasn’t on anyone’s target list. The city has recently proposed to fill in the tunnels with dirt leaving the less-fortunate to migrate to nearby Buffalo.

Climate also makes Rochester, home to the largest population of deaf people per capita in the U.S., an attractive place to raise a hearing-impaired family. With winter temperatures approaching -17 and an average snowfall of nearly eight feet annually, indoor ice skating and shopping at Rochester’s many shopping centers tend to be the popular past time from October through April. During the summer month, Rochester is home to several cultural festivals. These include the “Image Out/Gay & Lesbian Film Festival and the Clothesline Art Festival.”

With Rochester’s ethnic diversity comes a plethora of cultural culinary masterpieces. One local specialty is known as the “white hot.” Essentially a hot dog made from uncured and unsmoked pork, this local favorite is infused with powdered milk to enhance its white color. Home to French’s Mustard, it’s fitting a lactose-laced hot dog is Rochester’s gastronomic gift to the world. Another of the regional restaurant fare is called the “Garbage Plate.” Just take your choice of a cheeseburger, hamburger, steak, red hot, white hot, Italian or breakfast sausage, fish, fried ham, grilled cheese or eggs. To complete it just pile on top one of either, home fries, French fries, baked beans or macaroni salad, and smother with a greasy hot sauce containing ground meat. And to wash down these exotic epicurean delights, the “Made for Living” city hosts such premium beverages as Jolt Cola and Genesee Cream Ale. Also readily available in various box sizes is Rochester’s answer to Boones Farm Wine, Arbor Mist. When one fruit and two bottles aren’t enough…

Rochester is one of the few American cities which host at least seven professional sporting teams. These include the Rochester Raging Rhinos (soccer), Rochester Rattlers (field lacrosse) and Empire State Roar (Women’s professional football team). The city’s also home to the Next Era and NWA Upstate professional wrestling leagues.
Sister city to Bamako, Mali; Krakow, Poland; Novgorod, Russia; San Felipe de Puerto Plata, Dominican Republic; and Rehovot, Israel; Rochester’s famous sons and daughters include:

• Susan B. Anthony – suffragist and inspiration for ill-advised coinage
• Kenneth Bianchi – one of the Hillside Stranglers
• Angelo Buono, Jr. – cousin to and the other of the Hillside Stranglers
• Emma Goldman – anarchist
• Lou Gramm – lead singer of the rock band Foreigner
• Seth Green – pioneer in fish farming
• Norman Kerry – silent film actor
• Joanie Laurer – professional wrestler, a.k.a. Chyna
• Chuck Mangione – flugelhornist
• Frank Ritter – dental chair pioneer
• Savanna Samson – porn actress
• Lee-Hom Wang – pop/hip-hop superstar
• Wendy O. Williams – vegetarian and suicidally-deceased lead singer for the punk-rock band Plasmatics

Rochester’s proximity to Canada, abandoned subway system, sub-zero temperatures, not one but two professional wrestling leagues and its peculiar processed pork products make this city one of “Wiggy’s Favorite Places to Not Ever Live.”

Marc “Wiggy” Kovacs
Raconteur of Rochester Ranting

The Humanity

Posted in Humor, Poetry with tags , on March 19, 2010 by Wiggy

Poetry is something which I’ve been tempted into recently by a few of my writer friends from the website The Next Big Writer. It is something I never thought I would try but it is such a challenge I’ve grown to really enjoy it. What you are about to read is something I entered into an unofficial contest called the Hard Suck Bad Poetry Contest on The Next Big Writer. I think I hit a home run. Enjoy and try not to cry. LOL

Echoes echoing through soggy air
Sun glaring off of borrowed hair
The jiggle of arm fat
Wading through a sea of humanity

The mingling of body odor
On an overcrowded subway car
In July
Moonlight brightening the day

Toe jam dreams
Floating on the cesspool of life
Like geese on an algae-ridden pond
Odorificness abounds amongst the trees
Surrounding a mountain of rotting diapers
Forever

Never to be seen again
Never ever again
Until

The end

Contemptible Conversing Commuters

Posted in Humor with tags on March 8, 2010 by Wiggy

Now I’m the last person to condone government intervention or intrusion into my life in the form of laws restricting a person’s freedom to commit Darwinistically dangerous acts like smoking cigars or drinking ethanol-based beverages. Where I draw the line on the side of government supervision and control is when it affects a right or freedom which in the hands of those who are intellectually and or common-sensically-challenged, can directly influence the length of my stay on this Earth.

I understand in this technologically advanced culture of instant gratification, in the age of “not enough hours in the day,” everyone’s time is precious. Kids and extra-curricular socially-acceptable activities like soccer practice and girl scouts, 50+ hour work weeks, exercising to reduce your carbon footprint, chiropractor and therapist sessions…it’s all too much to fit into a 24-hour day. People are forced to utilize their “free” time in an ever increasingly efficient fashion. Most time-starved people are turning to the last bit of what used to be a haven between the kids and the career…the rush-hour commute.

What used to be a place where commuters could sip on their favorite caffeinated beverage while listening to the news, music or their annoying morning talk show host-of-choice, has evolved. It’s bad enough some rush-hour commuters are distracted while trying to shave, put on make-up or eat a microwave drive-thru breakfast wrap. These are the same people who have trouble walking and talking at the same time. Thanks to some of the technological advances of the 21st Century, these wanna-be multitaskers now can talk to their BFF and operate a 2,500 pound SUV traveling at 70 mph with one hand, totally oblivious to everything around them. Who the hell could you possibly be speaking to on your cell phone at 6:45 in the morning?

A 2003 University of Utah study compared the driving characteristics of subjects with a Blood Alcohol Content of 0.08 percent, the legal limit in the U.S., versus those of subjects involved in a cell phone conversation. The study concluded that while intoxicated drivers exhibited more aggressive driving styles, cell phone drivers exhibited greater impairment. While I whole-heartedly agree with the conclusions of the study…I have first hand experience during my harrowing daily commute alongside hundreds of potentially impaired conversationalists on Interstate 78…I do question the validity of the study. Where did they get drunken people in Utah?

In the U.K., accidents involving a driver being distracted by talking on a mobile phone have begun to be prosecuted as negligence similar to a DUI. Currently in the U.S. only a handful of states have implemented some type of limitation on driving while speaking on a cell phone, while countries like India, Turkmenistan, Croatia, Kenya, Poland, Romania, Slovakia, Slovenia, South Africa, Zimbabwe and even the Netherlands have bans. I’m not sure if some of these countries even have cell phones.

I’m not advocating for more government “Big Brother” like control. We have enough of that already. All I’d like to see is a little more common-sense when it comes to multitasking. If you’re going to talk and drive, at least spend the money on a hands-free device. That way when the highway patrol is picking you out of the guardrail, they won’t have to extract the cell phone from the side of your face. Thank goodness no one is stupid enough to try to text message or stare at a GPS device while driving…

Marc “Wiggy” Kovacs
Mindful Multitasking Motorist

Immigration Reform

Posted in Humor with tags on March 2, 2010 by Wiggy

Thank you Canada for hosting some great Olympic games. You people know how to throw one hell of an international party. On that note…

America was founded on the idea this great land is a place of opportunity. It’s a place where people can come to start a better life…a melting pot of different cultures, religions, traditions and ideas. From the first Pilgrims arriving on the shores of New England escaping religious oppression, to the Europeans during the early 1900’s in search of their fortunes and a better life for their families. All have been welcome to come to this country to add their own spice to the stew which is the United States.

But for years, an invasion has been quietly taking place. It’s a silent attack which threatens to undermine our national security. Crossing our unsecured borders and infiltrating our society. You see them constantly on our televisions, in the movies, in our schools, influencing our children every day, yet they go undetected. They come to this country by the thousands taking our jobs, draining our resources, and slowly injecting their cultural traditions into our everyday lives. I am talking about…Canadians.

Canadians have been sneaking into this country since its founding. Some of the first Canadian immigrants were the Acadians. These future flood victims passed up the rich fertile lands of the American mid-Atlantic to settle in the swamps of Louisiana. Like many early Canadian immigrants, they were not the brightest bulbs in the pack.

A not-so-famous pair of incandescently-challenged Canucks actually developed and patented the light bulb, on July 24, 1874, five years before Thomas Edison’s U.S. patent on the device. Matthew Evans and Howard Woodward actually patented it, but didn’t have enough money to develop their invention, so they sold their US patent #181,613 to Thomas Edison for $5,000. They also granted Edison an exclusive license to their equivalent Canadian patent. Not a real bright move. But miscalculations of such magnitude by the citizens of this monarchial tidbit of tundra would not continue. A conspiracy of monumental proportions was about to infect our cradle of democracy.

Through the 1800’s and into the early 1900’s they arrived, blending into American society and keeping a low profile, or so they would like you to think. These snow-Mexicans have been quietly influencing American culture, like celery in a pot of jalapeño laced chili. First it was Guy Lombardo clandestinely decaying the morals of American youth with his band of Royal Canadians. During the 1950s came Lorne Greene, star of the American western, Bonanza. An entire generation of American youth, who dreamed of being cowboys like Ben Cartwright, was duped into idolizing a cowboy who was about as American as Alexander Graham Bell’s telephone. And so they came…The Lone Ranger’s side kick, Tonto…Canadian. Co-creator of Superman, defender of Truth, Justice and the AMERICAN Way…Canadian!

The 1960s brought America’s obsession with space travel. A young actor by the name of William Shatner slipped across the border to mislead America into thinking the Captain of the USS Enterprise, ridder of Romulans, was a U.S. citizen. To this day the 77-year-old Canuc continues to seduce unsuspecting hotel clerks into under-pricing hotel rooms and further damaging an already shaky U.S. economy. Infiltrating every aspect of American society, Monty Hall and Alex Trebek were sent to dull the minds of America’s middle class, day-and-night, for decades.

The 1970s began a full-out assault on our borders under the guise of comedy. Led by Lorne Michaels, an army of Canadian comedians distracted America on Saturday evenings…a precursor to more and ever increasing debauchery and deception. Dan Aykroyd (half of the Blues Brothers – not American), John Candy (played a U.S. soldier in the movie Stripes), Jim Carrey (currently dating Jenny McCarthy), Tommy Chong (50 percent of Cheech & Chong – not American…actually that may be 100 percent come to think of it), Phil Hartman, Howie Mandel, Norm MacDonald, Rick Moranis, Mike Myers and Martin Short…where does it end?!

The last four decades have brought an erosion of American moral standing with the likes of Bryan Adams, Michael J. Fox, Celine Dion (who doesn’t hide the fact she’s Canadian, and actually flaunts she’s Quebecois), Neil Young, Donald Sutherland, Kiefer Sutherland, Shania Twain, Keanu Reeves, Jason Priestly and Matthew Perry. Canadians have so completely infiltrated America, believe it or not, Pamela Anderson is not only NOT from California, she’s CANADIAN!!!! The scourge of the Las Vegas stage show, Cirque du Soleil, not French…that would be bad enough…French Canadian! Canadian geese…you don’t see them leaving. They just multiply and slowly take over small bits of U.S. territory, one golf course at a time.

Proof of the contempt these icy-invaders have towards the United States comes in the form of pagan-like holiday celebrations such as Boxing Day (they give Christmas gifts the day AFTER Christmas), Labour Day (spelled with a ‘u’) and Thanksgiving (celebrated on the 2nd Monday in October)…INSANITY!

Though some of them may be looking for a better life away from all the ice sports, what contributions have these subterfugers-of-snow bestowed upon American society? Trekkies? Game shows? Reality shows like “Ice Road Truckers?” Have you ever seen or heard of a Canadian restaurant? Even the British can at least claim the sandwich.

Canadians have even managed to bring mediocrity to American sports and straight into our nation’s capital. Remember the Montreal Expos professional baseball team?…the Washington Nationals! Dr. James Naismith brought America basketball, but at what cost? Just watch five minutes of a NBA game and you’ll see. You don’t see any NBA teams in Canada do you? The Toronto Raptors you say…my point exactly.

Why are they here and what are they really after? We may never know. But then, that may be the real conspiracy!???????

Marc “Wiggy” Kovacs
Communicator of Canadian Conspiracies
Ps: They are pretty good at hockey though. Congrats again Romi.

Sun-Dried Amphibian Secretions

Posted in Humor with tags , on February 22, 2010 by Wiggy

While “Prayers to the Ectoplasmistic Flying Tree Lizard of Stonehenge” spewed praise upon this magical and mysterious airborne reptile, we’ll now utilize his magick powers and sun-dried secretions to better our lives.

Visualize a barefooted vegetarian hippie in a long flowing dress probably with un-groomed blond hair and “Bill Clinton” blue eyes.

“Magickal Powders are hand-blended select herbs, spices and resins. While each blend contains native energies unique to its stated purpose, it’s for the user to fully empower these organic elements—through visualization and concentration—to achieve desired magickal goals. Simply scatter them when and where you need them. Sprinkle the powder in a circle around you, beginning and ending in the East and moving clockwise. Sit within this circle and absorb the powder’s energies. If you work with crystals and stones, add powders to your rituals by sprinkling the chosen powder around the crystal as it lies on your chosen place. Sprinkle powders around candles before lighting them to enhance their energies. Scatter a ritually appropriate powder over your altar or place of meditation. Sprinkle in specific shapes to use as focal points for visualization: protection powder in pentagrams; love powder in hearts; psychic powders in circles. The shape needn’t remain intact—it’s the process and focus which channel your positive goals and empower you and your chosen elements, in this case, Magickal Powders.”

Need some magickal powders to help enhance your day? Let’s see what’s available from an online apothecary shoppe shall we…

Magickal Powders
Astral Travel Powder – Sandalwood, Mugwort and Cinnamon: Sprinkle on the bed sheets and pillow before sleeping to encourage consciously directed astral travel. Powder can also be used to help reduce traffic when attending a major league baseball game in Houston.

Exorcism Powder – Basil, Frankincense, Rosemary, Yarrow and Rue: Sprinkle throughout the house or in any place needing a strong purification and protection. Also useful for cleanup and deodorizing of green projectile vomit from bed sheets, ceilings and carpet.
Happiness Powder – Lavender, Catnip and Marjoram: When you wish to lift your spirits, sprinkle this powder in a circle on the floor or ground and sit within it, drinking in the powder’s energies. Visualize them surrounding you and infusing you with joy. Powder is organically grown in the lush flower gardens of Afghanistan.

Health Powder – Eucalyptus, Myrrh, Thyme and Allspice: Sprinkle in the sickbed or in the recovery room to speed the body’s healing process. Or scatter on your altar or place of private meditation and burn blue candles. Powder can also be used as a tofu rub at your next vegan BBQ.

Love Powder – Yarrow, Lavender, Rose petals, Ginger: For use in attracting love. Be sure to sprinkle the bed sheets or bedroom. Powder works best when pictures of you and your mom at the Renaissance Faire in costume are placed into dresser drawers prior to your online blind date arriving.

Luck Powder – Deer’s Tongue, Allspice, Nutmeg and Calamus: Use to bring positive changes into your life. If you want to send some luck to your favorite NASCAR driver, deer’s tongue, also known as the redneck rabbit’s foot, will always do the trick.

Money Powder – Cedar, Patchouli, Galangal and Ginger: To attract money, sprinkle in your place of business, in your wallet or purse. Rub onto money before spending. Or, sprinkle in a dollar sign on your altar or place of meditation and burn green candles over the powder symbol. This powder works best at casinos or while buying lottery tickets.

Prosperity Powder – Sassafras, Cinnamon and Balsam: To attract wealth in all its forms. These forms include divorced buffalo ranchers from Montana and UFO sighting vegetarian Democratic Congressional Representatives from Ohio.

Protection Powder, recipe #1 – Dragon’s Blood, Sandalwood and Salt: Mix and sprinkle outside around your property to dispel and stave off negativity. Sprinkling any kind of blood around your property is pretty much going to stave off anyone, including those full of negativity, except for maybe the occasional curious law enforcement officer.

Protection Powder, recipe #2 – Mugwort, Frankincense, Dill, Juniper and Cumin: Sprinkle where you need protection, inside or out. For personal protection, sprinkle in a circle and stand within it until you’re charged with the herbs’ energies. Do this daily to lend protective energies to your self at all times. Powder also comes with a can of pepper spray and a 9 mm.

Psychic Powder – Yarrow, Rose petals, Lemongrass and Mugwort: Sprinkle before exercising your innate psychic awareness. Do not use while consuming alcohol or prior to plotting your last 3,000 lifetimes.

Spirituality Powder – Frankincense, Myrrh, Wood Aloe and Sandalwood: Sprinkle in chosen location prior to meditation or religious rituals to turn your awareness to higher things. Also, sprinkle in circles around blue candles for this purpose. Comes wrapped in gold foil and also serves as a great baby shower gift. Best when used during star-gazing.

Wishing Powder – Sage, Sandalwood and Tonka: In a lonely or private place, hold the powder in your right hand. Feel its energies and visualize your wish with perfect clarity. Summon the power within you and send it into the powder. When it is alive with energy, fling it as far from you as you can. As the powder touches the Earth, it releases its energy and guides your wish into manifestation. Works best if used prior to going shopping with your spouse’s credit card.

Order now and we’ll throw in not one, but two vials of Chameleon Color Extract…Great for hiding those pesky stains, as a seafood seasoning, or when used in conjunction with Wishing Powder, as a curse against annoying in-laws…A $99 value, now your’s for only three easy payments of $39.99, plus shipping and handling. Rush delivery available, so order NOW!

Marc “Wiggy” Kovacs
Apothecarily Anecdotal Author

Prayers to the Ectoplasmistic Flying Tree Lizard of Stonehenge

Posted in Humor with tags , , on February 19, 2010 by Wiggy

It seems like every time I expunge commentary on a topic based upon something totally ridiculous, three out of four times it happens to somehow involve cats, pagan magic, atheistic celebrations, left-handed people or some type of cross between Dungeons and Dragons and a Star Trek convention. Not to disappoint, this time I’ve hit the mother load.

In the past, I’ve frequently used the phrase “Who comes up with this stuff?” to describe the absurdity of some of humanity’s intellectually over-stimulated. I can finally answer that question.

Did you know February 20th is “Northern Hemisphere Hoodie-Hoo Day?” What moron would come up with a holiday like Hoodie-Hoo Day you ask? First let’s start with answering the burning question of “What the hell is Hoodie-Hoo Day?”

Every February 20th, on this winter day, people are supposed to go out at noon, wave their hands over their heads and chant “Hoodie-Hoo.” No, this isn’t some type of Pagan fertility ritual or prayer to some extinct mystical penta-appendaged creature. Apparently, it’s a way to chase away winter and bring in spring one month sooner. Since everyone in the northern hemisphere is sick and tired of dreary gray winter days by mid-February, it’s a way to relieve the symptoms of those afflicted with cabin fever. Although, I thought it was the job of that oversized rodent named Punxsutawney Phil, who comes out 18 days earlier on Ground Hog Day.

Hoodie-Hoo Day is brought to you courtesy of Thomas and Ruth Roy of Annville, Pa., along with other holidays like “Answer Your Cats’ Questions Day,” “Happy Mew Year for Cats Day” and “What if Cats & Dogs Had Opposable Thumbs Day.” Do you see a pattern here?

Similar but entirely different from yours truly, Thomas–actor, radio host and published author and his wife Ruth, owner of a herb garden and apothecary shop–have created and copy- written more than 70 “holidays.” Similar to me in that they’re also creatively insane. Different in that I, unlike Thomas and Ruth, am not left-handed, don’t like cats, am not associate-producer of the Pennsylvania Renaissance Faire, and don’t own a shop which deals in magickal powders, tinctures and elements. What type of magickal powders you ask? We’ll get to the answer to that question in a moment.

So if you happen to be reading this on February 20th, at noon, go out in front of your office building, home, restaurant or wherever you may be, put your hands over your head and pray to the Ectoplasmistic Flying Tree Lizard of Stonehenge…HOODIE-HOO, HOODIE HOO, HOODIE-HOO. It may not drive away winter, but it’s sure to drive everyone else away.

Marc “Wiggy” Kovacs
Harbinger of Heathenistic Holidays

Bubbafied Buggy Bigotry

Posted in Humor with tags on February 13, 2010 by Wiggy

In honor of the kick-off of the Nascar season with the Daytona 500 tomorrow…

The U.S. automotive industry has been under intense economic hardship over the years due to lapses in quality, rising manufacturing costs and increased overseas competition from Japanese and European suppliers. Everyone associated with the industry has been searching for an underlying cause to the troubles of Detroit. I’m here to expose the true explanation behind Motor City’s misery.

Have you ever noticed most residents of the land below the Mason-Dixon Line are devoted to one or another brand of American manufactured vehicle? Until recently, this has been apparent if you’ve ever taken a stroll through the parking lot of a NASCAR race or a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert. I can almost guarantee you’ll see nothing but Ford, Chevy, Dodge or GMC-produced vehicles lining the rows of these dust covered pre-event drive-in hoedowns. To American automobile manufacturers, it’s been a sacred market, previously untouched by Toyota Tundras, Nissan Titans and Honda Ridgelines. To the demise of Detroit and unanticipated by the likes of Lee Iacocca and William Ford is the fact although slow in their ways, even Southerners eventually can tell when “somethin’ ain’t quite right.” Proof of this southern rebellion against the ancestors of Henry Ford’s Model T is the entry and acceptance of Toyota into NASCAR racing. Only a few years ago this would have been considered as treasonous as little Peggy Sue dating a New York City Park Avenue attorney. What’s brought on this backlash against the American marvel of the industrial age, child of Henry Ford, the Dodge brothers and William Durant?

The next time you’re behind someone at the wheel of a vehicle donning a license plate bearing some type of southern fruit or critter, take notice of their driving habits. Have you noticed southerners don’t ever use their turn signals? Being originators of such driving legends as “Smokey and the Bandit” and “The Dukes of Hazard,” the explanation CAN’T be those from the lands of grits and collard greens are vehicularly-challenged.

The only rationale can be Detroit, in its conceit for its faithful devotees and as an act of sheer greed and buggy-bigotry, had decided to forego the installation of certain illuminated flashing safety features in vehicles shipped to where “the snow don’t fall” to save money. This is simply the pursuit of the almighty dollar and a bigger bottom line. What makes this so outrageous is this transportational-discrimination has been at the expense of the safety of Yankees driving to and from retirement communities in the “Sunshine state” via Interstate 95…straight through a gauntlet of blinker-less belles and bubbas. This is the same lust for profits which has resulted in the production and distribution to the state of Virginia of cars which only drive in the left lane and of vehicles which cause the brakes to engage at the sign of a yellow traffic light, sold in the state of North Carolina.

Sources from inside the Big Three state they hadn’t been worried about an economic backlash until recently. “It wasn’t until all the Yankees started showing up in places like Birmingham, Richmond and Charlotte, driving their Mitsubishis, Subarus and Volvos that they (southerners) even realized they were supposed to have turn signals. Richard Petty and Dale Earnhardt didn’t use them, so they didn’t know what they didn’t have.”

Unfortunately, the recent introduction of turn signals into vehicles bound for Dixie hasn’t lent itself to correcting the situation. “Jr. spends all Sunday afternoon making turns and you don’t see him using no dang blinker. Why should he tell that twinky Jeff Gordon where he’s goin’…?”

Marc “Wiggy” Kovacs
Vigilant Voyeur of Vehicular Victimization