Archive for Opinion

Horrific Hygienic Humor

Posted in Humor with tags , , on October 30, 2010 by Wiggy

It is amazing the lack of consideration coworkers can have for one another when it comes to personal hygiene and overall cleanliness. You’ve seen them…the person who spills coffee all over the counter in the break room and doesn’t bother to reach for the paper towel sitting on the nearby shelf to wipe it up. Is this the way they act in their own home? Their desk is bad enough. I’d hate to see what their bathroom looks like, although the office lavatory does give a not-so-subtle indication.

Unless you work in a beauty parlor, the sound of nail clippers is not something you would normally expect to hear in the workplace. Unfortunately for some, the office seems the perfect setting for taking care of those annoying personal hygiene issues. I don’t know how many times I’ve heard the all too familiar “snipping” sound emanating from a colleagues’ office. What makes anyone think clipping their toenails into the office garbage can is acceptable behavior?

I have actually seen coworkers on their cell phone in the rest room. Do they not have any respect for the person on the other end of the line? There is a time and a place for everything and although phone starts with “p” it doesn’t belong anywhere near the “head.”

And who can possibly think cleaning your ears out with a Q-tip while sitting at your desk is going to get you promoted? Being known as the “Cerumen Crusader” is not a real career booster. How many times have you walked past someone’s office only to glance in and see them knuckle deep in one of their nostrils mining for boulders?

People ridding themselves of unwanted body excretions aren’t the only ones in the office who could use a little departmental delousing. According to a study by the University of Arizona, the average office desktop has 400 times more bacteria than a toilet seat. That’s an unsettling thought knowing the state of the office restroom. And women’s desks harbor more germs than men’s. Women have three to four times the number of bacteria in, on and around their desks as men do, the study showed. “I thought for sure men would be germier,” Professor Charles Gerba says. “But women have more interactions with small children, and they keep food in their desks. The other problem is make-up.”

Heinous workplace hygiene crosses all social, economic and racial boundaries. Heaven forbid you have to sit in a meeting across from someone whose breath smells like week-old road kill possum. I purposely arrive for meetings early to sit away from one of the other managers. Oral odor has a narrow directional range of several feet and is proportional to the olfactory offender’s vocal volume. In this particular case it requires a ten foot radius.

While trench mouth is a line-of-sight offense, “superfumation,” the over-application of incensory fragrances, is multidirectional and lingers like a footprint in wet concrete. I know several women I can track throughout the building without ever actually seeing them. Weight seems to play a role in the longevity of the trail. I’m just saying.

Tissues, a pack of Tic-Tacks and a little common sense and courtesy can make the office a much less disgusting place. So next time you are stuck in the elevator with the annoying guy from accounting who works out at lunch in his suit, do yourself a favor and anonymously send him a bottle of Old Spice and charge it to the department. They don’t pay you enough to work with people who smell like a turtle cage.

Marc “Wiggy” Kovacs – Orator of Office Olfactory Offenses

A Kitchen Without Animals is a Dining Room Full of Vegetarians

Posted in Humor with tags , , , , , on July 13, 2010 by Wiggy

Ok, I’ve posted my contest entry on the Anthony Bourdain website. What I need you all to do now is to vote. VOTE ONCE A DAY!! It only takes a few seconds. Here is the link.

I need as many votes as possible for exposure. It’s not so much about the most votes, it’s about getting seen on the site. Although having the most votes will definitely help. I’ve got a little ways to catch up but I’m sure with some help I can get into the top 10 if not into first place. You can also leave comments.

Please don’t forget to vote once a day. Don’t worry, I’ll remind you.

The $1.3 million “Two Dollar” Coupon

Posted in Humor with tags , , on June 29, 2010 by Wiggy

A few days ago I received an email that looked a little suspicious. My spam filter is usually pretty good at catching email from bankers and deposed dictators from Nigeria as well as lonely, beautiful, nineteen-year-olds from Uzbekistan in search of their true love. The subject line read: NOTICE OF PROPOSED CLASS ACTION SETTLEMENT. I was afraid to open it for fear of unleashing some Russian-mafia computer zombie virus pent on destroying my 15,000+ mp3 files.

Over the years I have entered into a class action suit or two but had never heard anything back regarding the outcome. I’m still waiting for my windfall from the DeBeers diamond class action lawsuit. I keep a file with the open cases just in case I do make it rich off the back of some poor unsuspecting manufacturer who forgot to put the proper label on the packaging of his toilet plunger which reads “Do not use near power lines.” I know I have purchased at least three plungers through my life. I thought maybe this email was the key to my early retirement.

It turns out the defendant in this case is the social website Classmates.com. As I organize all of my high school class reunions every five years, I subscribe to Classmates.com for a few months before each reunion to help track people down. Prior to setting up my Facebook account, this was the easiest way to hunt down acquaintances. People I don’t have a desire to see more than once every five years. With all the misery and aggravation which accompanies that effort, I figure Classmates, both the website and ungrateful high school friends, probably owe me big time.

It turns out those insensitive bastards at Classmates.com allegedly “sent email messages to subscribers of http://www.classmates.com that were in violation of the law and engaged in conduct that had the potential to violate w ww.classmates.com users’ privacy rights.” They have denied the allegations but have nevertheless concluded that it is in their best interest that the litigation be resolved. In other words, “We are not going to admit it, but we know we screwed up and the lawyers are going to bleed us dry if we don’t make this go away soon.”

According to the Settlement Agreement, as a Settlement Class member, if I fill out some paperwork and submit a timely Valid Claim Form, I’m entitled to receive…get this… a credit of $2.00 off of the purchase or renewal of a http://www.classmates.com Gold Membership. So for receiving annoying notifications from Classmates that “someone has viewed your profile” for the past six years, I get to spend $37.99 instead of the regular $39.99 for an annual membership. Guess what Classmates; Facebook is free…at least for the moment.

Ok, I’m not bitter that for doing nothing except filling out an online form I get a $2.00 coupon. What really pisses me off are the fees paid to those “representing” my interests. Class Counsel, my free representation, is asking the Court for attorneys’ fees up to $1.3 million, plus costs. And Classmates.com and the Court have agreed! Not only that, those costs include participation awards of up to $2,500 for each of the two Lead Plaintiffs. These are the two people who actually decided to “hire” the vampires and sue Classmates in the first place. And you wonder why people hate lawyers!

So while I get the opportunity to pay $37.99 to a website whose owners all but just admitted they were violating the law and violating my electronic privacy, a couple of attorneys get new Bentleys and vacation homes in Vail. I bet they are eyeing up Facebook at this very moment. I knew I should have gone to law school. I wonder how much money that writing website I belong to has?

Marc “Wiggy” Kovacs – Luminary of Lecherous Lawyers and Legal Laughter

Sociopathic Soccer Supporters

Posted in Humor with tags , , , on June 15, 2010 by Wiggy

In honor of the World Cup. Who knew it could be even more annoying. Just add a few thousand fans blowing three foot-long plastic horns which reach 127 decibals each. Tell me that isn’t a riot waiting to happen.

As an average red-blooded American male who’s prone to reliving exaggerated accounts of past high school athletic glory (usually while under the influence of several glasses of one of Kentucky’s finest bourbons), I enjoy sports. I love football, baseball, basketball (strictly college) and hockey. I’ve watched every Indianapolis 500 car race since 1970.

I play golf badly, but I don’t mind watching golf…but only if there’s nothing else on television, or if it’s the final round of the Masters. I enjoy boxing, but let’s face it, there hasn’t been a good heavyweight fight since Mike Tyson went to jail. I love watching world cup skiing, especially a downhill event. You never see a good wreck during a slalom race. I will even watch women’s gymnastics and figure skating during the Olympics, especially if it means the U.S. has a chance of putting a beating on some second-rate communist empire. And of course there’s always Rugby and Australian Rules Football…basically football without pads. There’s no way that could be boring.

For my readers from any of the member countries of the British Commonwealth, I’m sorry, but I’ve tried to understand cricket. I once spent an entire rainy weekend watching a test match on Sky Sports while living in Milan, Italy. Two days in front of the television and I think I only witnessed half of it. I just don’t get it. I guess it makes more sense if you care about who is next in line for the throne.

As far as women’s basketball is concerned, to me, it’s like watching high school baseball or professional bowling. And since I don’t consider NASCAR or professional wrestling as sports, I won’t mention them again.

What I have a hard time understanding is the fascination with soccer. There’s many other exciting forms of athletic competition…curling, cycling, kite fighting. Why in the world would anyone get excited over a 2,500-year-old Chinese kickball game?

To get worked up over 22 players in shorts kicking a ball around a large field, scoring maybe only one goal during an agonizingly long 90-minute game is beyond my comprehension of enjoyment. It’s also beyond my threshold of patience. I might as well be watching competition fly fishing, rhythmic gymnastics or Frisbee golf (for all you dirty hippies, I refuse to describe it as a disc).

What blows my mind is how the rest of the world reacts to this game. Riots started, murders committed and even a war fought (1969 100-hour war between El Salvador and Honduras) over a game where you’re given a “warning” for running into someone and can be ejected for doing it twice. We in the U.S. are more civilized, at least in that respect. These fanatics make even Philadelphia Eagles phans look like saints.

This unruly behavior even has its own name…Hooliganism. Over the years, hundreds of people have died as a result of the rabid reactions of soccer supporters:

May 24, 1964: More than 300 supporters are killed and another 500 injured in Lima, Peru, in a riot during an Olympic qualifying match between Argentina and Peru.

More than 150 people have died in Argentina since the 1930’s as a result of soccer riots.

May 29, 1985: 39 Juventus supporters are crushed to death by a collapsed wall after they are attacked by Liverpool supporters during the European Cup Final match in Brussels.

May 9, 2001: 125 people died and hundreds were injured at a match in Accra, Ghana, during a stampede at the end of a soccer match.

March 12, 2004: 25 people die during a fight between rival Syrian football club supporters at a match in Qamishli, Syria.

No one’s ever died from rioting at an Eagles/Giants football game…and we hate each other. And you wonder why people who enjoy football are called “fans,” while the people who enjoy soccer are called “supporters.” Think about it…

Soccer moms…is this what you want for your children? To grow up like some annoying French wanna-be gang member, throwing beer bottles at other people, just because they are Los Angeles Galaxy supporters instead of D.C. United supporters. Besides, soccer is so passé…lacrosse is the new sport of preppie Ivy League sweater-vest-wearing, BMW-driving momma’s boys. Well, at least it’s an American (native) game.

Marc “Wiggy” Kovacs – Factotum of Fustian on Foreign Futbol and Fatally Fanatical Fans